Nevertheless, She Persisted

I've been in New York for six months.  I have gotten two part time jobs that I like.  I've worked an unpaid internship for an internationally known theatre company with a huge name. 

All of that is great.  It's amazing.  I've accomplished all of that in six months.  And what's more, I've gotten interviews at well known companies.  I've made some good friends.  I have a social life like I never had in Iowa.  I have a relationship I'm really happy about.  I love this city.  I have seen so much art.  I have been to so many museums.  I am doing really, really well. 

It isn't enough.  I'm trying.  I'm earning just enough every month to cover my rent.  Not my phone, not my food, not my transportation, just my rent.  I'm still paying for my entire life in Iowa- Internet, electricity, mortgage, car...  I still have half of my savings.  In theory, I could live another five or six months like this.  Which means I'm in trouble in two.  I have to have a solution, or at least a plan, in two months. 

Work at Trader Joe's, says a girl I work with.  No.  I won't do a job I could have done in Iowa.  That's the same as saying that I've failed, and I might as well go back there.  I have to be doing something that fulfills me.  I have to be, or I've failed at the very reason I came here- to do work I love. 

"I won't let you fall," he tells me.  Which is so different from, "What am I supposed to tell you?  I can't help you," that it not only goes a long way towards fixing my crappy mood, it reminds me exactly how far I've come. 

Something will happen.  Something always does.  I'll figure it out. 

If I Could Work My Will

I'm tired of Christmas and it's only December 9th.  Miracle on 34th Street makes more sense in the actual, literal context of New York City, where Christmas is everywhere and wholly insincere.  It's a marketing scheme, that even Macy's embraces by putting a giant lighted, "Believe," in Herald Square in November.

Believe in what?  Tourism?

I'm jaded.  I also haven't liked Christmas for years.  Sometimes, I want to.  I want to decorate and do for others I care about, but my efforts never seem to go the way I think they will, so, I stopped.

It's snowing today, which makes it both better and worse.  It's giant, sappy Christmas movie snowflakes because this city is so humid in the wintertime.  I know the answer to this is to feel however I feel and be OK with that.  Expectations and I have a weird relationship:  some of them I arbitrarily care about very much.