At 8:15 I went to the bathroom and heard a dropping noise. It had already been a not so great day, thanks to general mailaise and a real desire to kill the asshole in my head who hates me and everybody else. Dripping is unusual for my bathroom. Especially as it was coming from the tub I haven't used in a week.
It was coming from the ceiling. It broke me. I called the maintenance people, told them what was up, said I wouldn't be there when they got there, have fun, and left. The plan was to drive until the car ran out of gas (344 milea according to the car) and then hope I'd die somewhere.
A coyote ran across the road as I entered the mountains.
Possibly one of the stupidest things you can do is drive strange, winding mountain roads in the dark. You'd think they'd be deserted, but the problem with mountain roads is they represent the only route. So someone who can drive that road better and faster than you is suddenly behind you and you can feel their hate. Pull-offs aren't frequent.
Finally, I hit a stretch I'm alone, and have been alone for about ten minutes. And that's when the mule deer lunges out into the road. I stop, skidding, missing the deer. Familiar with white tail deer, I look for the others. Maybe mule deer are different, but it was just this one. When I look, I don't even see the first one anymore, but I assume she went around the bend I came from. There was a fence on the left side of the road, the drop on the right.
Obviously, I determine I didn't want to die that badly and I should probably go home, so I did.
Now I am, I wish the deer hadn't given me a choice in the matter.
I'm tired of being alone and worthless and largely unnoticed. I know it's better than I think, but I don't feel it. I tried to go back to my hometown to get some stuff out of storage. My mother told me basically not to, that there was no place for me and nothing open so I'd just be unhappy. Already there, Mom.
I'm angry other people are happy. They have direct access to people who actually care about them. I short circuit every weekend because I can't go outdoors, it's crowded with people, and I have to try to survive until I can go back to work for a few days and be reminded that I have a job, sort of. It gives me something else to think about, I guess.
It's not a happy thought, but it's a thought.
I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to ask anyone else to give a fuck about me when I barely do. I want to shut everything out but that just makes it worse.
The scariest thing is that I disassociate. When I run off, I get tunnel vision, I don't really feel like I'm me or care what happens to me, or why.
I am exhausted with me. I'm sure everyone else is, too. I don't know how to apologise often enough or well enough for who I am. I want it all to stop, I just don't want to have to do it.
