Not doing OK. Feeling like I don't belong, like I don't want to belong and the very last thing I want to do is tomorrow. Any tomorrow.
Reading an article about the importance of milestones and ritual and celebrations in the face of the pandemic and it's like, sure, whatever, some of you have lives, but I can barely remember the last decade. I work in entertainment, I've been forced to decorate for other people's Christmases, it's all a blur that I can't put years to properly anymore and I don't want to do it again.
I don't WANT to have to re-enter society. Yeah, I pretty much hated this past year and wanted to die for half of it, but I equally much don't want to go back. It's like proof how much nothing I do matters. I spend nearly the entire year in my damn apartment, it doesn't matter. Work, don't work, I'm just taking up space and there's nothing I can do to change that long term.
It doesn't matter. I tried, and I'm never going to accidentally be all the things I wish I could because I fuck it all up.
Other people enjoy things. I... don't. I'm afraid to go to the fucking Chipotle because it's too scary and complicated. I am terrified of Ubers, because it is always, always easier to drive yourself and not talk to anyone.
...This is why I like the subway. Somebody else is driving and you don't have to communicate with a single other person to make it happen. Even if you're stuffed up against at least half a dozen other people on the 4/5 and none of you are acknowledging these people are the only reason you're keeping your balance, none of you are people. You're all just... there. Existing as nobody for this period in time.
That was the best thing about NYC. You didn't have to exist there if you didn't want to. If you did? That opportunity was also available, but you didn't have to take it.
I would like my boss to stop worrying about me. Yes. I am a fucking weirdo, and I get that this gives you some comfort about your flavour of weirdo, but, y'know, I would do better with more money and less conversation. I don't want her to know so much, but I help having to explain. Just let me be anonymous. Since nobody is ever gonna be OK with just me, the way I am, can you all please stop trying? I can't give you all different versions and nobody likes the default. I get it. But I still deserve to live, so I have to have a job, so I... I wish I could just sit in a tiny box somewhere and occasionally push buttons. No other humans, just, here are the instructions for when to push the buttons. That's all we need. We don't need you confusing us with any thoughts or ideas, here are the buttons. Here is when to press them. We'll give you 45k and full benefits. Please do not speak to anyone.
Sounds better than death, anyway.
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