I'm discovering that my entire world is dramaturgy, and that's not normal.
I should have realised that no, not everyone spends their time mentally reviewing dramatic structure in a given play, mentally creating concepts and questioning the validity of theatre and dramatic choices, but, even amongst the people I do theatre with, people with day jobs and hobbies and relationships and friends, this isn't the case.
And this is, of course, the reason it doesn't look like I have thoughts, interests or dreams, because in order to even access this part of my brain, you have to understand so much more than the average person knows or cares about. I can't say to someone, "I want to do ensemble based work that explores classic themes in an accessible way," because then I have to explain what I mean by ensemble, classic themes and accessible.
Which is why I've come to the conclusion that I probably am going to have difficulty forming new relationships with people who don't share my background. When I list off the things I'm looking for in a relationship, I want a collaborator.
I don't really want love or sex or intimacy. I do want someone to work with.
If I were to have a theatre to work with, doing work I cared about, would that fulfill all of those desires? Or, having that need filled, would I then be interested in an intimate relationship?
Who was I when I got married? Was I simply following a path of convenience because it was working at the time? So why was I so willing to stay with it when it wasn't working?
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