I've Got the Power?

Talking to a random stranger on the Internet tonight who decided that I was a gregarious, outgoing individual.  Since he was a random Internet stranger, I would have dismissed this entirely but for the fact that I'm finding that, compared to normal people, I am.  

I used to believe that I hated people, I wanted to be left alone.  And this is true, I am an introvert, I need time away from people.  People exhaust me.  

A friend cancelled plans with me today, and I didn't feel relieved.  I talked to a friend online I haven't spoken to in a while, and told them I missed them, and realised it was true.  I miss people.  

I typed that last sentence and then deleted it, because I don't miss people.  But I think that's the difference.  I don't miss people, I miss the idea of one person.  And it's not him I miss, it's that relationship.  I missed it when I was in the relationship with him.  

I miss the feel of someone else.  I miss touch and trust and everything that the combination of those two things can mean.  

I tried so hard not to.  

Risk Is Wearing a Christmas Sweater

Some days, everything looks possible.

Then there are days like these.

Being an adult is when you have to look at a person half your age, having a problem you have never had, and summon the ability to be as strong and competent as they must believe you are.  I've had to do that a lot this year.  There is nothing quite as awful as a 15 year old matter-of-factly telling you the worst thing you have ever heard, except maybe letting the 15 year old know that you're on new ground here.

When I was 15, I dissolved in to tears over book characters, over life and death situations like cast lists and homework projects and the unfairness of a reality where the universe was not subject entirely to my whim.  I was tired and ugly and strange and never good enough, but I was lucky enough not to be too terribly broken, and nothing ever happened to break me.  Very few people actively tried to destroy me.  Why is everyone trying to destroy teenagers?  Why does it immediately get easier once you're out the other side?

I spent most of today worrying about the next 25 years.  Which will sort themselves out as I make decisions.  As I make choices about what I need to do.  2040.  Children will be born and grow up and start their own families and make their own incredibly poor decisions in that time.  It makes everything smaller, more insignificant.

I was sent a Hogwatch Night card this year.  The only holiday card I received, reminding me that invisible things matter.  Invisible things don't matter.  Time.  Death.  Life.  We rely on Truth, Justice, Love and all the rest because of those big three, but we use the others to pretend that the big ones do mean anything and that must be some comfort.

I am an existentialist.

Of course, if that's true, I suppose my role ought to be to look for those other things, not to reject them.  That way lies nihilism.

Sometimes when you fall, you fly.  The rest of the time, I suppose, you die, or maybe you don't.  If you're standing at the edge of the cliff while the avalanche bears down behind you, you have the option to find out what might happen if you jump, or to let the avalanche take you.

I usually let the avalanche take me.  I'm allowed to change that.  Only if I want to.

January Horizons

I was involved in over 26 shows in some capacity last year, either as director, stage manager, coordinator, dramaturge, playwright, designer, technician, and even more if you start to count the shows I worked front of house or box office.

Last year doesn't feel big.  I don't feel I have much to show from that work.  I wasn't doing anything new or different from anything I've done before.  There was a lot of work, but not a lot of growth.  And maybe that's because I've had to grow as a person, and that's the difference.

There is no excuse for being jealous of anyone for doing what you won't do.  Wisdom to live by.  It's time to write.  It's time to admit that no one in this town is going to give me the opportunities I want and look for them elsewhere.

At the same time, if I can create opportunities, I can create them anywhere.  Wasting time here is wasting it anywhere.

I own a house I have no intention of selling, no plans to rent, and I won't even have a hope of paying it off for another 7-8 years.  What am I thinking?

I'm thinking I'm lonely and sort of unfulfilled.  As though going anywhere is going to fix that.

Every time I think I know what I want, something changes.  Focus on being where you are right now and making that work.

There is no excuse for running a playwright's workshop and not working as a playwright.  None.  You need to fix that first.  Which means writing.  Which means having an idea.  Which means getting out of your head and typing.  A play.

That would feel big.