Cleric of the Sandsculptor

My D&D character is a cleric of a god who she believes in, as an entity, but she's really uncertain about her role as a cleric, and whether she can really, possibly serve a god like a cleric really should, and whether the gods have any control over *her*. 

The irony of this is that the DM gave her a Paladin who is an unwitting servant of the god, too, so the Paladin turns to her for advice and Taavi, this poor little cleric defines it as well as she can, while she's literally getting confusing and unclear visions from her god and is mostly trying to ignore them as coincidence.

Today, while performing Thaumaturgical tricks and doing Identify spells and talking about my god for kids at a festival booth (Taavi never wants to do anything other than help- she is sometimes very not good at it, because the things the party wants to do have frequently been crimes, and Taavi's need to be helpful is at odds with her desire to also do good, so she's currently reasoning that helping her friends is probably good if not actively bad, maybe?  She really hopes her god is the laid back, understanding kind.), the DM gave her a teen who was being skeptical, and Taavi, through me, the atheist, the skeptic, the one my friend has to explain his wooga-wooga to in ways that make me stop raising my eyebrows at him, starts explaining her faith to this kid.  She says that her experiences make her believe the gods are there to help and advise, but it's up to us what we do with that information and the choices we make. 

There's a spell called Augury that tells you whether a decision you make in the next half hour is a good idea or not, basically. And I inform the kid this is a special spell that I can't use for just anything, but I'll cast it for him.  Does he have something he needs to decide to do next that he wants help with?  We cast the spell, and, after explaining how I'm going to cast, and what the answers can be, and taking all the flash out of the ritual, I ask him what he thinks the result is.  He thinks he's supposed to do the thing he wanted a decision about, and I say, "This is just advice, you can still make any decision you want, but come back tomorrow and tell me about it, OK?" 

There's a meme I enjoy about D&D that states that DMing is leading your party through weird parts of their own personality. I find myself wondering to what extent I'm Taavi and how or if that serves me in any way.  Especially now that I'm struggling with feeling deeply unnecessary and unwanted in most aspects of my life.  And because Taavi is deeply loved by the party, and I find her so very hard to play. Like, if I were capable of being Taavi full time, would that help? 

If it did, is that who I'd be OK with being?