Manhattan, I've Prepared For You

I always wished someone would come to New York so I could show them around. Anybody, frankly. And I currently miss it, so here's my travel itinerary for someone visiting the city for the first time.  

First of all, in spite of Thoroughly Modern Millie singing that she arrived one block south of Macy's and two south of Brooks Brothers, that's sort of impossible. Brooks Brothers has been at West 44th & Madison Ave since 1919, and Macy's has been on West 34th at Herald Square since 1902.  That's ten blocks between them.  BUT, if she's at Penn Station, Macy's is a block north, and if she's at Grand Central Station, Brooks Brothers is two blocks north.  Meaning the song knew it's creating a New York that doesn't exist, but also does. If you're entering Manhattan by train, one or the other is true depending on where she arrives, but we don't need to know. These are the things you look up when that song is in your head literally all the time.  

I arrived at the Port Authority and promptly got on the subway going the wrong way (which is not really possible in Toronto, where I'd done all my subway practice) and went an hour out of my way carrying probably 60lbs of luggage.  This is the part of New York I still don't know how to navigate.  I don't know a positive way to enter the city unless you get a ride.  That is probably the best option and damn the expense, because you're tired, and transportation is complicated unless you know where you're going, but you don't, because you just want to be done, because you're here now.  I don't think it should be a requirement to battle the MTA for entrance to the city.  It may *help* in the long term, but it's not encouraging for a shorter visit. 

So, OK, the initial trek to wherever you're staying does not count. After you're rested and prepared for New York (probably something to tackle tomorrow; if it's anywhere near sunset, discover the joys of ordering delivery in NYC, where you can have literally anything you want in less than 45 minutes for actually not all that much more than you'd expect to pay).  Tomorrow, we will tackle the MTA.  

I firmly believe the first order of business is to learn the subway.  From wherever you are, you're going to Fulton Street.  Two good reasons for this, it's not an incredibly hard station to get to, though the station itself is bewildering, and it's in lower Manhattan.  Leave the station, go see Trinity Church and the World Trade Center, the Stock Exchange, Federal Hall, Bowling Green, and the Brooklyn Bridge (or, swap these for things you actually care about, but if you don't have a special interest, hit these regardless).  Do not walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.  I know you want to.  Don't.  Whatever you think is gonna happen up there will NOT happen up there.  I promise.  Besides, if you are not a walker and you have already walked to all of the other places, you are probably about ready to die.  But you have seen New Amsterdam and Hamilton's New York and you begin to understand what the city requires from you.  While down here, if you're interested in Broadway theatre, go to the TKTS booth here.  It's the least busy location because no one knows where it is.  

If you got up early enough, it's supper time.  I don't care where you're staying, choose any famous pizza place in the city. It does not matter which one. Frankly, I never made it to any of them except Motorino, and it's not actually all that famous.  My favourite pizza in the city is Percy's, a slice place on Bleeker Street.  A note on food in NYC:  if you eat anything, you do not care where you go.  You really don't.  It's all fine.  It has to be.  If it's paying rent in the 5 boroughs, it's either a front for something, or it's good.  And if it's a front, it's still probably good.  (If you are interested in night life and drinking, you're on your own. Not my thing, dunno anything about it.) 

If the next day is a weekday, Midtown.  Bryant Park is the most convenient station, but get off at Grand Central.  You're already committed to walking, and you get to walk out of Grand Central Station.  Bryant Park, the Schwarzman Library, Drama Book Shop, Times Square, Radio City, Empire State, Chrysler Building and 30 Rock.  Rockefeller Center is pretty cool all on its own and you can see the other two from it, but it's also the most expensive (the Chrysler Building is re-opening a new Observation Deck in a few years, but, honestly, if you can't see the Chrysler Building in the skyline, what's even the point?).  If you're walking fast enough, this gives you time to figure out how to navigate the B train to Columbus Circle. This station sucks, but is necessary if you want to see Lincoln Center.  If you don't, just go all the way up to the Natural History Museum. If it's gross out, go inside. If it's nice, see Central Park. You don't have time for The Met unless you can get in free.  The Met is an entire day with paid admission.  

The next day, save for whatever weird pilgrimage brought you to New York, you've basically hit the best bits of Manhattan.  Baseball, magic, fashion, jazz, art, museums, politics, cemeteries, parks, zoos, theatre, immigration, transportation, enslavement:  name your personal interest and there is plenty to see.  

That's three days in the city.  You should have a decent handle on where you are and how to get where you're going within Manhattan.  If you were brave, you've also had dinners in Astoria and Williamsburg.  So, three out of five boroughs and no one has forced you onto an expensive bus or ferry tour.  Congratulations.  Your next visit will be weirder.  

Welcome the Blood Fairy

My laptop celebrated its 5th birthday in June.  It's lasted longer than my last relationship and roughly as many as the positive years of the relationship before that. And of course, this is the part where I mention that the screen has been struggling for a while and has gone beyond what I can reasonably tolerate.  I could try to replace it for $50, but the knowledge that the average laptop's lifespan is three years, and an awareness that the power supply will be next, followed by the internal components, it is probably more cost effective to simply replace the entire machine right now while I have available funds than to throw good money after bad for the next year.  And it's also reasonably likely that taking the screen apart to replace it would require a soldering iron and possibly the screen bezel would never go back together properly.  The reality is, I need a functioning computer more than I need furniture or decent lighting in my apartment or a second good-on-paper-but-not-in-practice project that I manage to fail like the debacle of the thrift store shelves.  

Five years ago, I paid $680 for a 2-in-1 touchscreen with a mid-range processor, mid-range RAM, more hard drive than I strictly needed, and in a brand that no longer makes consumer model laptops, which is disappointing because this is the longest lasting of the bunch. But, OK, I looked online, compared prices, scratched my head a lot, decided on a store and thought, "Maybe they have more models in store?"  I do not know when I will get it into my head that a physical store has become a useless box with a bunch of shit I don't want, and absolutely nothing I might actually need and compromise will be absolutely necessary.  But, into the store I went, assuming that, hey, it's been five years, maybe I can find something that's nearly what I had for half the price.  

Wrong.

I was confused by what I was seeing, and decided I wanted to speak to someone.  There were two couples in there, both slightly older than me, both blonde wives with their dudebros.  They were swooped down upon.  I stood there looking confused for five minutes before I was finally approached.  I'm aware that I am usually ignored by sales people, and I typically appreciate it, but it always backfires when I *actually* want one.  I dunno if I look poor or like I know what I'm doing even when I'm standing there trying to look like I have my thumb up my butt or if it's because I wasn't a dude, or what.  But I've got him now, so I asked the saleskid, "Why, when the lifespan of a laptop is 3 years, am I seeing the exact same specs for almost the same prices I saw 5 years ago when I bought the last one?"  And the kid goes, "Well, the technology is slowing." 
"And the price remains the same because?" 
"...Planned obsolescence.  I can't do anything about that-"
"No, but you admitted to it, which I appreciate."  And I did.  Unfortunately, this is about the last thing this kid gets right.  
"But I *can* offer you a support plan, in case anything happens.  This one is good for four years-" 
"My current laptop is 5 years old. If history repeats itself, that's a useless thing I've spent money on, isn't it?" 
"Yeah, but, if it doesn't-" 
"If it doesn't, would I avoid the risk by purchasing a nine hundred dollar machine?"  He's a salesperson, he's listening for dollar amounts. I can back him into a corner if I'm pretending I am willing to spend more.  
"Maybe.  This model- "  And sure enough, he points to the most expensive model on the floor, where I already know the only difference is that it has the highest end processor and twice the RAM, anything else is cosmetic except it hasn't really *got* any fancy cosmetics. It's not a touchscreen, it's not a 2-in-1, it hasn't got a fancy sound system or video card. 
"That's more than I can afford to spend.  But my point is, if I could afford that kind of money, why would I buy this machine plus the package, if I could, instead, get a higher quality piece of equipment?"  I know, he has to do his sales bit but I was in no mood for it.  I watch him deflate. "Listen, I don't have any money because it's a pandemic, and none of this was supposed to happen. I just wanted to be able to weigh my options."  I point to the model I think I'm standing in front of, the one that I'd pretty much decided was what I'd probably buy, except that here in the store, it's advertised as being $80 less, and I can tell it isn't exactly the same laptop, but I can't confirm the processor in the system details and they're showing *two* separate advertised deals next to it.  "Can you confirm that this model *is* the same as this one on your website?"  
"Y-es."  
"Then why is it $80 more online?"  
"...Sometimes it happens that way?  Of course if their price was lower, we would honour it, and if you wanted to purchase online, you could call the customer service line and request our price."  

Frankly, all I wanted to do was go in, molest the three models of computers I'd already checked out online and then walk out of the store with one of them.  I HATE buying things online, and am especially unimpressed now the mail has become ineffable.  If I have any reservations about what I'm purchasing, I want to be able to see it and touch it first.  So, no, I don't really want to do any of that.  

"OK, so, here's my question.  If this is the model, why does this one online have a ten key and this one right here doesn't?"  I know he doesn't know, I know he just works there, but he's deep into his sales pitch, so, fine, I'm gonna treat him like a salesman and it's time for him to sell me on something.
"...I don't know.  It has a ten key?" 
"Yes.  It's in the picture and listed in the specs." 

I can also see that the model I'm staring at is also not the same size as the one online.  It's a 14", not a 15".  I like a 15".  Usually it means it has a ten key, which I like, but I also prefer the slightly larger footprint.  I am suspicious that there is something else going on here, because there is no logical reason for the exact same model, with free shipping, to cost LESS online. But I'm not going to say that.  I need him to tell me.  

"Oh.  Well.  Wait.  This is *this* model."  He points to the ad pricing for a cheaper model with lower specs. I am uninterested in lower specs because the processor speed on my existing laptop was low enough.  I don't need more hard drive, I just want something that can work as fast as I can think.  
"So it's not this model that's online, but you do have that model, and this price is good, and that price is for sure for the one that has a ten key?"  
"I've never seen one, but that makes sense."  

Time out.  I keep saying kid, but this dude actually wasn't all *that* much younger than me.  He was definitely in his late 20s. He is standing in the store trying to sell me a product that he hasn't seen, which, OK, sure, they're all in boxes someplace and stock is someone else's problem, that's not that unusual.  But we are standing in the store and I am expressing doubt at what a product is and he's standing there going, "Yeah, I mean, I guess that's correct, but I'm not going to walk away and check.  I'm not going to pull something up on some piece of technology and confirm this for you.  I'm just gonna say that, sure, that seems right."  And at that moment, he starts describing their return policy.  All I wanted, dude, was for you to sell me on a thing.  All you had to do was prove to me that I can save $80 dollars in the store, right now, today, and I would have walked out the door with the thing.  And you didn't do it.  You would rather I walk out the store with something I would have to bring back the second I got it home.  Why?  

OK.  Well.  Now I'm skeptical about the cost effective model that I had kind of decided was the one I should buy.  However, in store, I also discovered that I preferred the design of my third choice.  Like the most expensive model in the store, it's a brand that I don't really trust because while their business models are impressive, the home consumer one I had lasted two years.  Unlike the laptop that lasted three years, it didn't need to be sent in several times under warranty and then slowly became a brick, it just fell apart.  But, it wasn't that much more expensive and it had slightly higher specs than the mid-range model. (My "budget" option was dismissed for being the same brand as the mid-range, but with lower specs, and the laptop itself wasn't that great. If it was going to look that cheap, it had better have decent hardware in it.)  However, if the one that looked like it was higher quality was on some kind of sale, I could very likely simply switch to that brand and walk out the door hoping it made it 2 or 3 years, because it would be more computer than one I bought five years ago and for a slightly lower price.  If it was on sale.  There's no price listed next to the model, and the only way I had been able to determine that it very likely *was* the model I was looking at online had been to check out the system specs before the saleskid finally noticed me.  

"So, tell me this.  Is this more expensive model the same as the price listed online?  There's no tag."  
"Very likely, yes."  

At this point, all I can assume is that the kid is done with me, because AGAIN, all he had to do was say, "Let me go confirm that," and I still might have weighed the two and decided, "What the hell." And I would have exited the store with a laptop that was the highest processor, same amount of RAM, a solid state drive, and since it cost less than the model I'd purchased five years prior, and I would be trusting that the rest of it held up.  But he didn't do that.  

I work in customer service.  I understand and am frequently exhausted that the entire function of the role is to solve problems for customers.  Yes, you have to solve the problems within the framework of the demands of the company, but I wasn't trying to haggle this kid.  I wasn't asking him to do anything impossible, all I was doing were expressing the doubts that separated me from buying a five to six hundred dollar piece of technology off him and walking out the door with it.  His goal should have been to answer my dang questions, and the best he could do was go, "Yeah, sure, maybe?"  

And he was clearly a computer sales kid.  That was clearly his job. He was there wearing a dress shirt and tie while the lowly retail staff were wearing polos.  I wasn't being much of a jerk.  My agenda was different from his, because I wanted to walk out the door with a laptop I was convinced would at least survive two years, twice that if I got lucky, and within the price range I was looking at.  In his, I walked out of the store as a sap who had been talked into buying a bunch of junk I didn't need and spending $1200, and all I can figure is that he checked out when it became clear that wasn't happening.  If there'd been a lot of people in the store, maybe that would have made sense, but that wasn't the case.  They had three computer customers (me and the two couples) and I was the one in the market to spend the most. The other two couples were buying cheaper models.  Even if they were talked into the security package and the warranty and Office, they'd come out nearly the same amount I was proposing to spend on just the computer. And, as I said, I wasn't interested in a slower processor speed.  

Maybe it's a situation where they actually give no fucks which computer you buy, and add-ons are the deal.  If that's where they're making their money and that's where they need to tick boxes, I guess I see his point.  I clearly wasn't interested in any of that and would have fought him, politely, until he dropped it.  But it didn't feel like that, it felt like, "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!"  

After leaving the office supply store, I went to the pharmacy. I needed to pick up my birth control. The only reason I'm taking it, at the moment, is so I don't have periods. Due to it being covered by insurance, I'm not allowed to call too soon.  I tried refilling it 5 days in advance once and that was too soon, so now I just call it in the Saturday before I'm out and pick it up on Sunday.  I tried the auto refill one month and they missed the refill date and I had to call them and make them process it manually, so I took two pills one day.  When it's just to stave off the period, this doesn't bother me that much, but if I was actively having sex, I'd be pissed about this.  I should not be more responsible than the dang pharmacy about a medication that requires you pretty much keep to the schedule if you don't wanna get pregananant.  

So, anyway, trying to pick up a prescription.  It's not there.  Apparently, they need my doctor to order the refill.  He did that.  In May.  It should have been for a year.  And I didn't hear about it until Sunday at 4pm when I tried to collect the prescription.  I still have no idea how I was supposed to know this.  "Why does this need a second refill confirmation?"  I ask.  Pharmacy Tech asks Pharmacist what to do, and Pharmacist says, "Oh, well, we contacted them yesterday, but we didn't hear back.  Um, you can call them right now and have them do it and maybe you'll have it Monday?"  "It's Sunday, this is birth control."  I stand there for bit while two dudes stare back at me.  

Things they could have offered:  "Would you like to pay out of pocket?"  ($34.99, I'm not gonna suggest it myself, but if presented with the option probably would have caved and gone for it.)  Or, my preference, "Would you like us to figure out what went wrong and make this right?"  Or hell, I dunno, maybe there were other secret options I didn't know about because I'm not in the business of successfully distributing prescriptions. And I'm extra cranky because it's BIRTH CONTROL.  It's not METH.  I'm not selling it on the black market.  I just don't want to feel like cranky, warmed over death for three or four days for funsies.  Especially not when that's kind of how I feel any given day right now anyway.  

Again, I assume they don't actually know why, but their system or my insurance created a barrier that means I could wear myself out to fix it for them, or I could just bleed this month.  I made a decision.  

I've Been Here Before

Unfriended my ex the other day.  He was being a selfish jerk, and I was done.  I feel bad about this, because when he's NOT being a selfish jerk, he's not a bad guy, and I'm going to miss him, but he's pretty well failed to be who I need or want in a friend, and I can't keep trying to get that out of him.  And since then I have felt better than I have in months.  I suspect that choosing to reject him myself has killed the feedback loop of, "Why did he do this, I must be a terrible person," because now I'm just like, "Hey, he can choose not to be an asshole sometime if he wants, and until then, I don't have to worry about shit like his opinion."  

And the timing's not bad, because now I'm back to work and actively see people.  It got real bad when I knew the only person I could interact with in person was down the fucking hall who never bothered to knock on my door.  Like.  Hey.  Maybe act like my friend?  (I couldn't do this the other way, because his girlfriend hates me, which, I mean, yeah.  Red flag, especially when I hated his damn friends and he was always hanging out with them anyway.  I didn't care about this, hang out with them, whatever.  He cared, it's one of the reasons he broke up with me.)  

The unfriending triggered when I asked how often he'd been to see his friends, because they lived about 6 blocks away.  That's when he revealed they moved a 20 minute drive away (he won't ride the bus right now, and I know he hasn't been riding his bike out there, so that means the only way he can get there is for his girlfriend to take him), and they'd been out there at least 6 times in the same amount of time I saw him once.  I live down the hall.  You can't play the, "I'm busy," card THAT often if you're gonna get your girlfriend to drive your ass across town on the regular, but even just knocking on my door to say hi when you walk past to check the mail (which I know he does EVERY DAY) is too damn hard.  

But the nail on the literal coffin that set me thinking was when he said he was worried about me because he was afraid that one day he'd walk by my door and smell my dead body.  OK.  So.  I have a studio apartment and my windows are always open because I am not running the A/C unless it hits, like, 85 in here.  (82 has been the high.)  My research indicates that a human body will start to smell after 24 hours, but in most cases, it doesn't become pungent enough for anybody to notice for at least 3 days.  And I think, due to the ventilation situation, it would probably be more like a week, or more. 

Since I'm back to work, my boss already would've sent the cops after the first day I was over an hour late to work and not responding to contact.  On top of this, I typically sent him enough texts in a day that if I went 24 hours without, that is unusual. Also, when things would get really bad, I was actively telling him what was up.  This means that, effectively, a guy who claims he's my friend 1. wouldn't notice me texting him a bunch telling him that I was not OK 2. wouldn't notice that those texts stopped and 3. probably wouldn't actually get concerned until I'd been dead for days.  Um.  Dude, I dunno what you thought saying that was gonna do, but it doesn't make you look like the concerned individual you thought it did.  

And then I responded to a meme from him with, "Hey, I'm rethinking our relationship right now, so I don't really want to talk to you, but if you want to hear what's up, when you have time, because I know you're busy, let me know."  And he said he might not respond, but he could listen. And I gave him a brief rundown.  I chose other examples, because when he texted, I was literally in a re-write of the email I was intending to send instead saying, "Hey, I want to be your friend, here are some things I'd like us to work on," and was trying to be diplomatic and also cover my bases, and he was like, "I'm busy and I don't have time to deal with any of this."  Welp.  G'bye.  This was all in the space of minutes.  I basically said, "Hey, not right now, but when you have time, here are some things I'm struggling with and I wish you would make time for our friendship."  And he said no.  How else am I supposed to respond to that?  Like, I got dumped because he decided he didn't want to give me any more time to try to compromise on stuff I was struggling with, and I got given the final notice way after he was already mentally checked out. This is why coming up on the third month of feeling like this was yet another relationship he didn't value felt like I was giving someone way more opportunities to not be an asshole when we've discussed it repeatedly than I was given warnings our relationship was ending, ehhhhhh, doesn't feel that unfair or out of the blue.  He told me I was being rash.  Dude.  Did you fucking LISTEN to the other times I said, "Hey, the way you're treating me needs to change.  Is there anything I can do?"  

But I feel really, really alone.  I used to feel lonely because I wanted to talk to someone who didn't want anything to do with me.  Now I just feel alone.  Everyone I can talk to lives hundreds of miles away, and I'm down to one person I can actually talk to, and, well, that's another person with a life, but they make an effort and I appreciate it. 

'Cause I've got nothing happening in my life.  I've got a job that I am afraid will not be able to keep me financially solvent before it has to.  I've got no way of meeting people.  I've got no interest in projects or hobbies or anything because, why?  Why do anything if it's never gonna matter?  

Someone I follow on Twitter was talking about their relationship to science fiction and their current relationship with gender and said this, "What the fuck good is a future to me if the only role I can have in it is the same constrained and diminished one that the present tries to cram me into."  And.  Yeah.