I've got to stop letting other people screw with my self worth.
Well, one other person, anyway. Now that I can see exactly what he's doing, I recognise everything I ignored, everything I didn't see. I still have to live here with him and I get to watch my past self's ignorance. I wonder about the person who didn’t know, who still loved him and wondered what she was doing wrong, and I kind of hate her for trusting someone who didn't deserve it.
More than that, I hate to discover he has the power to make me feel worthless. What was I that he decided it would be OK to sleep with other people? I guess I never get an answer to that.
"What are you looking forward to?"
Next winter, when I work with the high school kids again. I've been doing it long enough to know I'm valuable. It's been nice to be around people my own age. 43 kids on a charter bus and it's the four grownups in the front seat making more noise than the entire rest of the bus.
Closer than that? All I have are hopes. I hope I can get divorced soon. I hope I get transportation soon. Those two are related and entirely out of my control.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Inexperience
When you're 12, you and your best friend talk about sex in the most ribald of ways. Because you're both 12 year old virgin girls, and it's honest speculation about a multitude of things neither of you have ever done, but that both of you, thanks to the Internet, have formed an opinion about and have certain thoughts regarding.
It's a little different when you're in your 30s.
In so many ways, I'm still the 12 year old girl. I remember asking, years ago, "What do you think you would do if a girl hit on you?" "What makes you think a girl hasn't?" "So what did you do?"
I don't remember her answer, but I know I still have no idea what that experience might be like. Actually, I'm not entirely certain I have any idea what it's like for a guy to hit on me.
All of my first physical/sexual experiences occurred in a 5 month period of my life, with the same person, who I eventually married. After a year, we'd done everything I've ever done up until the point I went on birth control about three years ago and then there was another tiny box to tick. There aren't a lot of boxes ticked.
That was an intense year and a half or so. It was a lot of new information and experiences coming in really close succession. I let it happen. I trusted him.
And now that it's over, there are things I want to try, things I want to do, but I don't want to try any of them without someone I trust.
"If you're playing chess with Albert Einstein and when the game's over he says, 'hey, what do you say we...?'"
"No."
"No?"
"No way."
And it isn't because he's Albert Einstein. It's because I don't want to. For the same reasons I don't want to be drunk. For the same reasons I don't feel entirely comfortable in my own body. Control.
My brain doesn't surprise me all that often. It tells me what it's thinking and I'm OK with that. We have a pretty good relationship, it follows orders, pretty much keeps everything running and I stay sane and safe. My body, on the other hand, is way more complicated and has spent years doing things I'm not particularly a fan of. I call this a total lack of body image problems, because I'm resigned to the relationship if not actually fond of it. I'm about as indifferent to myself as I am to anyone else- my brain, however, is valuable.
So, of course, the stuff I'm interested in deals with the most intimate thing I can think of, sharing that control.
These days, my friend isn't a 12 year old girl. He's in his 30s, and he calls me on my bullshit. "Your brain is not the end of your mind, your body is. Your perception of the world around you lives in you, and you're smart enough to know that. Why limit yourself this way? Your mind is gorgeous," A paraphrase, but close enough.
And I'm 12 again. I don't know what anything is like, or how it works, just an academic understanding of the process. Except now I'm in a world of people who do know, who know more than I do because they've done things I haven't, and all I know for sure is that I made a huge mistake before, and I'm not convinced I know why.
I think I'm going to be single for a very long time.
It's a little different when you're in your 30s.
In so many ways, I'm still the 12 year old girl. I remember asking, years ago, "What do you think you would do if a girl hit on you?" "What makes you think a girl hasn't?" "So what did you do?"
I don't remember her answer, but I know I still have no idea what that experience might be like. Actually, I'm not entirely certain I have any idea what it's like for a guy to hit on me.
All of my first physical/sexual experiences occurred in a 5 month period of my life, with the same person, who I eventually married. After a year, we'd done everything I've ever done up until the point I went on birth control about three years ago and then there was another tiny box to tick. There aren't a lot of boxes ticked.
That was an intense year and a half or so. It was a lot of new information and experiences coming in really close succession. I let it happen. I trusted him.
And now that it's over, there are things I want to try, things I want to do, but I don't want to try any of them without someone I trust.
"If you're playing chess with Albert Einstein and when the game's over he says, 'hey, what do you say we...?'"
"No."
"No?"
"No way."
And it isn't because he's Albert Einstein. It's because I don't want to. For the same reasons I don't want to be drunk. For the same reasons I don't feel entirely comfortable in my own body. Control.
My brain doesn't surprise me all that often. It tells me what it's thinking and I'm OK with that. We have a pretty good relationship, it follows orders, pretty much keeps everything running and I stay sane and safe. My body, on the other hand, is way more complicated and has spent years doing things I'm not particularly a fan of. I call this a total lack of body image problems, because I'm resigned to the relationship if not actually fond of it. I'm about as indifferent to myself as I am to anyone else- my brain, however, is valuable.
So, of course, the stuff I'm interested in deals with the most intimate thing I can think of, sharing that control.
These days, my friend isn't a 12 year old girl. He's in his 30s, and he calls me on my bullshit. "Your brain is not the end of your mind, your body is. Your perception of the world around you lives in you, and you're smart enough to know that. Why limit yourself this way? Your mind is gorgeous," A paraphrase, but close enough.
And I'm 12 again. I don't know what anything is like, or how it works, just an academic understanding of the process. Except now I'm in a world of people who do know, who know more than I do because they've done things I haven't, and all I know for sure is that I made a huge mistake before, and I'm not convinced I know why.
I think I'm going to be single for a very long time.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Precedence
It's a good thing I occasionally re-read emails when I'm awake.
Not House Manager. If I know where to FIND a House Manager. And Board Members. Kinda.
I have been and gone and had adventures and this always makes me question my life.
My life is mostly not adventures. So are most people's. I forget that. Most people also do the dishes and take out the dog and wonder how they're going to plan their week.
"What are you most looking forward to?"
I begin to think of all the things I want to do next time.
"Internet. No, you gave that up pretty easy."
Oh. Looking forward to at home. Why am I going home? Because it's the best universe I've managed to construct on my own. Because it's the best I can do. Because there is unfinished business, and obligations, and steps in a direction that might be right in terms of a career, or maybe I need to write the weird and strange shit that is pent up in my head but isn't a story. Not yet. Because it's still my story, and I carry my messes with me.
Everywhere I go, I'm already waiting for myself there.
Not House Manager. If I know where to FIND a House Manager. And Board Members. Kinda.
I have been and gone and had adventures and this always makes me question my life.
My life is mostly not adventures. So are most people's. I forget that. Most people also do the dishes and take out the dog and wonder how they're going to plan their week.
"What are you most looking forward to?"
I begin to think of all the things I want to do next time.
"Internet. No, you gave that up pretty easy."
Oh. Looking forward to at home. Why am I going home? Because it's the best universe I've managed to construct on my own. Because it's the best I can do. Because there is unfinished business, and obligations, and steps in a direction that might be right in terms of a career, or maybe I need to write the weird and strange shit that is pent up in my head but isn't a story. Not yet. Because it's still my story, and I carry my messes with me.
Everywhere I go, I'm already waiting for myself there.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Synthesis
The Little Theatre Company where I manage the box office sent me an e-mail to say, basically, "Hi. We like you. Um, are you still going to work for us next season and do you want to be House Manager, too?"
Oh, yes.
I'm hoping it's a paid position or I might turn them down. It's a greater time commitment, I'm sure they could find someone else to do it out of the goodness of their hearts, but paid? Yes, you can definitely pay me to do that. For starters, I think it would mean they'd finally give me a set of keys and I wouldn't have to wait around for someone to show up, which would be ideal.
After spending a few months as a guy and a couple weeks as a teenage boy, my hair was growing out into "woman with terrible haircut," so I got it trimmed and cleaned up. Today I went to the grocery store, picked up a handful of stuff and stood in line behind a guy with maybe twice as many items. Saw him glance at his groceries, glance at me and make a decision not to let me go ahead of him. I look like a dude again.
I have failed in my attempts to discourage a tenacious biomechanic. I say that in a way that suggests I don't like the guy. Not true, I'm just not interested in him in any other capacity and, well, we don't have a lot in common. Or rather, I can speak to his interests better than he can speak to mine, and I'm not really interested in anyone I can't have a theatrical conversation with.
One of the things I do when I get really frustrated by butts-in-seats seasons that fail to generate revenue is create terrible theatre seasons, ones that are worse or less well considered than any I've ever lived through. It makes me feel better. I post them on Facebook, where I discovered that even my local community theatre friends know less theatrical literature than I do.
So maybe I am a closeted academic. But I don't want to be. I want to figure out how to make all the things in my brain accessible to average people, and I don't know how to do that.
I've attended several "talk back" sessions for local theatre and find myself disgusted with the level of analysis possessed by the average patron who is interested enough to attend a talk back. Maybe it's because there isn't enough structure in the session. Instead of asking very, very specific questions, the floor is left open to talk about shit irrelevant to the process and dependent upon dealing with someone's flawed perception of what they've seen. People, I'm learning, do not listen, read, or synthesise information well.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Gender Neutral
Listening to someone going on and on about how all men are dangerous, and she is afraid of all men and the world needs to accept her handicap. And I think, but cannot say, "What are you doing to get past this blatantly bigoted way of existing?"
If she said, "all blacks," or any other group of people, she'd hate herself for her racism and her stereotyping. But in this case, women say, "no, in this case, the stereotype is true, so it's OK. If one man hurts another woman, how can we trust that any man won't?" To which I say, "the fuck?"
It's playing the victim, and all you have to do to extricate yourself from the conversation is say, "oh, yes, well, that's certainly a problem that you and possibly others have that makes your life difficult." The person you're talking to believes their life is hard, that you think they're brave and struggling and you didn't actually have to agree or disagree with their frightened, narrow point of view that they're proud to have and share.
I am stupidly not afraid of people. Most of the things I'm afraid of exist in my own head, and I do lots and lots of incredibly dumb and reckless things because I'm not considering my own mortality. I drive the speed limit in snow storms on highways at night. I walk along the edges of cliffs where I can look down and see the tops of the trees the size of dimes below me. And when I trip and fall, I don't even consider how close I could've come to dying until later that night.
So, I recognise that I'm an unconscious daredevil. I'm way more frightened of growing old and dying naturally at 70 or 80 than I am of suddenly being accidentally shot by causing a scene in hopes of self preservation. Probably because I'm always more comfortable with the choices that I made than the things that merely happened to me.
That and I'm a total hero on paper and kind of a wuss in real life. For all the time I spend worrying and thinking and planning, my ability to take action shouldn't come as easily to me as it does, but that's a result of my perceived power and autonomy.
And then I get to thinking about how different my life would be online if I presented as male. I'd get so much more shit for making exactly the same arguments, but my credentials as someone who is "safe" and "understands" keep me from bad arguments with women, and my ability to let them be right. A skill learned from the public school systems, someone with no power has to grasp for what they have, and that's the defense of their conviction that they are right. Someone with power, of course, simply acts as though they are right and doesn't need anyone to affirm that.
Which I forget too often, and recognise as a loss of power. As soon as I shut up and just start doing things with authority, I wind up possessing it. I wonder if these are the leadership skills I'm accused of having, but don't see? I've followed a couple of damn fools on idealistic crusades, but I don't think I've ever caused one.
If she said, "all blacks," or any other group of people, she'd hate herself for her racism and her stereotyping. But in this case, women say, "no, in this case, the stereotype is true, so it's OK. If one man hurts another woman, how can we trust that any man won't?" To which I say, "the fuck?"
It's playing the victim, and all you have to do to extricate yourself from the conversation is say, "oh, yes, well, that's certainly a problem that you and possibly others have that makes your life difficult." The person you're talking to believes their life is hard, that you think they're brave and struggling and you didn't actually have to agree or disagree with their frightened, narrow point of view that they're proud to have and share.
I am stupidly not afraid of people. Most of the things I'm afraid of exist in my own head, and I do lots and lots of incredibly dumb and reckless things because I'm not considering my own mortality. I drive the speed limit in snow storms on highways at night. I walk along the edges of cliffs where I can look down and see the tops of the trees the size of dimes below me. And when I trip and fall, I don't even consider how close I could've come to dying until later that night.
So, I recognise that I'm an unconscious daredevil. I'm way more frightened of growing old and dying naturally at 70 or 80 than I am of suddenly being accidentally shot by causing a scene in hopes of self preservation. Probably because I'm always more comfortable with the choices that I made than the things that merely happened to me.
That and I'm a total hero on paper and kind of a wuss in real life. For all the time I spend worrying and thinking and planning, my ability to take action shouldn't come as easily to me as it does, but that's a result of my perceived power and autonomy.
And then I get to thinking about how different my life would be online if I presented as male. I'd get so much more shit for making exactly the same arguments, but my credentials as someone who is "safe" and "understands" keep me from bad arguments with women, and my ability to let them be right. A skill learned from the public school systems, someone with no power has to grasp for what they have, and that's the defense of their conviction that they are right. Someone with power, of course, simply acts as though they are right and doesn't need anyone to affirm that.
Which I forget too often, and recognise as a loss of power. As soon as I shut up and just start doing things with authority, I wind up possessing it. I wonder if these are the leadership skills I'm accused of having, but don't see? I've followed a couple of damn fools on idealistic crusades, but I don't think I've ever caused one.
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