And, now that I'm there, I don't really have any goals. I have immediate goals, but they're all working themselves out- filling out paperwork for various things, finagling my schedule to let me do the things I want to do, working on the divorce, all stuff that's going to happen, slowly, eventually and without my really needing to do anything.
Many of the biggest things that have happened to me aren't things I anticipated five years ago. I found a list I made in 2009, and I discover that I was incredibly bored and unmotivated, because everything on that list I haven't done is trying some kind of dumb activity in some kind of generic self improvement. Keep bees. Seriously.
So what have I done? I went to Canada. I directed a musical. I stage managed a major college choir concert. I've devised weird theatre. I've taught technical theatre to kids. I've written. I've struggled to save my marriage and let it go. I took an aerial class. I lost 30 pounds. And most of that's been in the last two or three years, because 2009 and 2010 were sort of bad years for me. It's when my marriage ended, I just didn't know it yet.
Mostly, I want to discover if I can live on my own. I know I can, but I think I want to take a couple years and just be me. I'm pretty sure a couple years is probably going to turn in to the rest of my life. That's not being down on myself, that's just speaking realistically. I don't think I want to give another person as much as I gave my husband, and I don't think I'm willing to have a relationship where I'm not willing to give someone that much.
That's, like, a perfect explanation of why I'm not a good actor. I know acting requires giving that much, but I don't want to open myself that much to anybody.
Except I probably will. Someday.
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