A List

Having a digital archive of three years worth of my brain means that I can keyword search myself.  I can watch my fears and wants change, and I realised that, by now, I could collect a list of every single time I've identified what I want in a relationship.  Two things repeat over and over and over again: respect and trust, so I've boiled everything down to the things that are different.  Since those two were missing from my marriage, it makes sense that they might be a little important.  A lot of the others feel like a tall order.

Someone I can respect and be proud of in spite of also knowing most of their faults.
Someone with the ability to listen and say the right thing.
Someone I can give myself to.
Someone I trust.
Someone to fill in the gaps of my analysis, turn it around and show me what I’m saying so I can see what doesn’t work.
Someone I’m not competing with.
Someone who can challenge me without making me worry about it.
Someone sexually improvisational.
Someone who will tell me when I’m being stupid, and remind me when I’m smart.
Someone comfortable.
Someone who deals natively in action, but still understands my motivation.
Somebody I can trust to anticipate me.
Someone willing to come with me on an idea.
Someone to play with.
Somebody who does something well, and they value it as much as I do.
Someone quietly, intensely, powerful.
Someone who doesn’t make my life unnecessarily complicated.
Someone who sees through me and encourages me to do the things I want to do, in spite of myself.
Someone to be my person that I also get to do art with that isn’t a jerk.
Someone who knows what I need and whose needs dovetail up against mine.
Someone I can talk to about everything who will actually participate in the conversation.
Someone who makes me go, “hey, I know him.”
Someone whose ambitions don’t depend on my doing all the work.
Someone who encourages me to be my best and calls me on my bullshit.
Someone more responsible than me.
Someone who isn’t as focused on their family.
Someone whose religion and sexuality aren’t frightening.
Somebody I am actively attracted to.