"What's the worst that could happen?" I ask my theatre kids. And they say they could die, or sink in to the floor or forget their piece or fall over the judge or throw up or any number of things that won't happen. Except Emily, who said she could get a two. Yes. That would be the worst thing to happen. I told her nobody says that.
So what would be the worst thing to happen to me if I touched somebody? None of the things that aren't going to happen are going to happen. But what might happen is that I do it wrong. Or that I'll tell someone more than I want them to know. I can control my mouth, my eyes are harder. But then there's my body, which has its own ideas and I don't know how to keep it from... from doing what? What does it matter? It matters because people will judge me.
Will they? Or is this just a thing you've imagined. When did this start? It's the electricity in another person. That spark of whatever it is that means they're alive. I don't want to get too close to that. Because if I can feel theirs, they can feel mine, and I don't want that.
Why? Why don't I want to give someone that power? You already did, and you took it back and it's yours. You don't love him, you don't care. He knows things that nobody else knows and are you going to let him be the only one? Does he deserve that secret? No. Is it a secret? It's private. It's... it's the kind of thing that not everybody gets access to because... because why? Because... I'm not sure.
You had sex with the guy, and you know it doesn't matter because he didn't care. He didn't care the same way he didn't care that you didn't like pink or hearts but that was the only way he knew how to tell you he cared, not by paying attention to you.
So what does it matter, really? Why are you OK with sexting guys who won't get your real name or know what you look like? But you're too afraid to find someone and make a genuine connection with them?
*ding*
No comments:
Post a Comment