The Australian was a Dom, which was a problem because I'm not exactly a sub.
Or rather, I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to deal with a sexual relationship in which my opinion didn't matter all that much for as long as I did. But that's a negative side effect of the fact that I enjoy giving up control. I need a lot of control in my life, I'm particular about what I wear, what I eat, I keep close tabs on myself because it's how I negotiate the bigger, scarier things that I can't control even if I want to. But my preference would be to be with someone who could talk me out of myself, who knew what things were really necessary, and which ones were arbitrary. Some of them are.
To be in a relationship where someone says, "Can we?" I want to be able to say, cautiously, "Yes," and have it be OK. To loan somebody else the responsibility for a while.
Which is why I'm not a sub in a 50 Shades way, or even in a more standard, not entirely abusive way. I don't like pain (actual pain- there other things that don't quite fall under that category), I don't care for humiliation and I really, really am not comfortable being anyone's whore. The trouble with D/s is that it's typically sandwiched between B&D and S&M. I don't need or want to be gagged on a Saint Andrews cross and punished.
I'm fundamentally vanilla, in that sense. Even if I'm not being overly dramatic about it, I also don't have much interest in many of the lighter elements. Sensory deprivation is OK, I'll gladly write from a perspective of blindness, heightened senses and uncertainty, but I write in the pain just because the Australian guy likes it.
In chat rooms, where there's generally no conversation before hand, this means that all too often, someone has decided that if biting is OK, choking is, too. Then you've got two choices: recognise that this is just words and a fantasy and let it go (because you can, it's not hurting you, it just doesn't do anything positive for you), or, stop the entire scenario and have a conversation about consent and boundaries that are almost certainly not what this dude came here for, and that he's probably not actually capable of having because when you asked him what he was in to, his answer was, "idk, nothing too kinky."
This was considered acceptable because it wasn't the 60 year old who wanted you to be his daughter, or the guy into water sports, or the foot fetishists, or the guys who are definitely actually in to rape fantasies that may not be fantasies. Honestly, it's no surprise there aren't a lot of women out there. People with mainstream, acceptable kinks are in mainstream relationships, or are at least capable of looking for them. I'm only online because I would much rather have a poor experience with an anonymous stranger I didn't have to touch than have formed a relationship with someone else that I liked well enough to get to the place I would be comfortable and then discover, "I don't like this."
But maybe this is where I have an experience formed entirely by porn and the Internet. Maybe most people are mostly the same, and have the same likes and abilities and aren't really much more adventurous than I am, I just keep stumbling across niche communities. Except... I'm vastly tamer than my high school best friend. She either talked a very good game or at 17 had more experience than I still have. My ex husband was his own brand of more experienced and kinky, but that lifestyle did not include me. These are my points of comparison, aside from the occasional comment from a friend who mostly keeps his private life much, much more private than I do. So maybe I'm stranger than I know.
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