When do I admit defeat to the government and just go around licking doorknobs?
I'm trapped in this country indefinitely. This country where all my friends are hundreds of miles away and I have a tenuous job in an industry that doesn't exist anymore. Unemployment runs out at the end of the month. Allegedly I'm supposed to be back to work in some capacity after the 27th, but that's in ten days and I haven't heard anything. A week ago I checked with my boss, who said if she heard any more, she would let me know.
So. Best case scenario, I work from home full hours (doing who knows what, though- we can't possibly have that much to do) and lose the extra $300 a week. Or, I'm back on partial hours and lose *more* than that. OR, nothing changes except the additional unemployment limit runs out and I LOSE $300 every week. Meaning that in one month I'd break even from the government support, and after that I'm fucked.
Apparently, I'm supposed to take some other job. What other job? What is my life worth if I have to do something else? Everything else I'm qualified to do is shut down, so I would literally be left in this current fucking universe but add in a job that will probably make me want to kill myself, and why should I even live?
Oh, and my industry is sending out a message REAL HARD that every single thing I've ever done theatrically is too white and therefore worthless. So. Y'know. In my personal life, I know, like, 15 people (aka, people I have actually spoken to in some capacity since March, the rest of you fuckers can get fucked). All of them are white dudes except for two white women and a woman of colour. Like, that's my personal life. And I know HALF of them because of a dude I went to college with who popped back into my life when I moved to the same city as him. That's it. Those are the people I know. TWO of them haven't worked in professional theatre. So. I mean, fine, fuck me. Fuck my privilege because apparently I've had all the fucking advantages, fucking clearly.
So, that's what I want to know. Do I have to fly to DC and just wait for the cops to murder me, or do I go to Florida and hang out on a beach and refuse treatment? How do I tell the government they won, they've destroyed any last remaining hope I have because my life was a fucking shambles already, and then they can win and this can all be over and I can be dead?
I'm tired of being angry all the time, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm lonely, and alone, and literally everybody else has somebody in their life who puts them first, and I have... my mother, I guess. Who drives me fucking crazy. And I don't really have her because oh boy, if we were ever to actually have a conversation about anything that has actually happened in my life in the last six years, I mean, I don't even know.
My friends' little dog (they have two, the big young one and the little old one) has kidney failure. It's gonna kill him probably in the next 6 months. They told us today and I kinda lost it. Not at them, they're not gonna know, but, just, like, can't THEY catch a break? And I mentioned it to my ex the vet tech because I wanted him to say, "Oh yeah, he can probably have an OK life," and I got nothing, so I was like, "Hey, can you tell me the rules for when it's OK to tell you I'm having a problem." "Sorry, I'm busy. No rules."
I dunno. If I'm somebody's friend and the text me, unless I'm in actively in the shower or something seriously unusual is going on, they hear back from me right away. I said to a friend recently, "You know if I asked you if you needed a ride and you said maybe, I would drop everything I was doing and just wait around for you to confirm you needed the ride, right, you know that?" And he was like, "Wow, that is not how that works." Except that it is for me. I don't necessarily care if they do or don't need the ride, but that's how I operate- everything stops until maybe becomes yes or no, and yes means immediate action. For whatever it is. If I flake out on you, I know I have, and you know I have, because I've apologised several times for not having done whatever.
This is what I think friendship is. Can you imagine what I think a committed relationship requires?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I give up.
I read all the depression advice. There are four trends- reach out to your friends; eat well; exercise; enjoy a hobby. Well. Fuck. The first one, like I said, everybody else has someone more important in their life than me and I'm asking way too much of them, so, that's as good as it's ever gonna get. Eat well. Fuck. I hate eating. I hate shopping for food, I hate cooking, it's all turned into one huge reminder that I fucked up an entire relationship because of all of this. Same with exercise. I can do it, but it's invariably turns me into a ball of rage and frustration. So, yeah, great. And the 4th. Well. I used to have a job that substituted, except I can't do that any more. I can't concentrate on reading. Everything else costs money and, well, fuck me. So. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Go into fucking debt and worry about that, which would also just keep me fucked up 24-7?
When will I ever be FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE?
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