Whenever I finish a book I was very attached to when I was younger, I don't feel any older than I was when I read it. I feel older while I read it, remembering who I was the last time I turned the pages. Perhaps it's transformative, as though a little part of me got sealed up inside that story and I can take it out and be her again, for a little while.
I'm feeling awful lonesome this week. Last weekend I saw friends and talked to people and almost, briefly, felt whole and normal. I miss too many things that never existed in the first place.
It is a strange fact that the girls in LM Montgomery books don't often love anybody until they find out they do. The boys love deep and longingly and forever, but the girls mostly find out what they could have had when it was gone. I wonder the truth of this. I worry a little about the influences archaic heroines have had on me. Anne, Laura, Caddie, Jo, all these intelligent, outspoken girls who grow up getting in and out of trouble but are morally sound and turn in to ideals from an age that no longer exists.
Where's the modern series? The little girl who grows up and becomes an ideal? Maybe we can't have heroines like that anymore. Maybe since the ideal doesn't exist to grow in to, it doesn't matter so much how the little girl gets there.
Or maybe I'm just not reading them.
I discovered reading that I don't currently burn with ambition. Or hope of it. I never had specific ambitions, or when I did, they were never plans beyond vague understanding that someday I wanted... Now I'm not sure what I want.
Seventeen year old me hates me. She thinks I made some very silly choices for some no so very good reasons and found myself in a bigger mess than I can handle. As usual. She doesn’t care how I do it, but I need to fix things and quickly. I agree with her, but I don't know what I'm willing to lose. I don't have to walk away, but since I don't know what I'm left with.
I assume the reader with Chrome on a Mac is a bot, due to the promptness with which they read my updates, but, hello to you, if you're a human.
No comments:
Post a Comment