I get one more paycheck from my current job until the end of summer. The incredibly good thing is that, literally the same day, I interviewed for a short term summer position that would pay only about 1800 less than I'd earn in the same period at other job. That's equal to the stimulus plus the one time extra $600 unemployment is paying out. Unemployment in Colorado considers 32 hours full time, so I'm not eligible if I'm over that.
If I don't get the summer job, and they revised their notification dates from telling me tomorrow or Monday, to an hour later telling me Monday or Tuesday, indicating I'm probably not getting the job.
Either way I will be financially OK, more or less. If I don't have work to do, I'm not sure how mentally OK I'll be.
It's been a bad couple days. I feel like garbage. And that's not, "I feel bad," that's, "I feel beyond useless or valuable."
Talked to the ex, because he's decided I should be over it and willing to accept the girlfriend who's probably going to move in with him. Admitted to me that, while I first heard *anything* about our problems last September and was officially dumped by November, he was over me by January.
He says I'm a good person, just not right for him, but when his problems with me were extreme discomfort with normal social situations and food, because he couldn't lay off me about everything, and everything became about his need for me to be normal for him, well, I don't see how I can actually have functioning human relationships with ANYBODY who isn't a bigger shut in than me. And that's the whole point. I want to go, I want to be included, I just want to be able to sit quietly and not asked what's wrong with me every five minutes, because that doesn't make me more comfortable.
"[Current girlfriend] could be your friend, too!" He said. Five minutes later, I mentioned that none of his friends liked me, and he says, "I stand up for you! I don't let [current girlfriend] say a word against you." Meaning she does. But she's supposed to be my friend?
In a world where the only interaction people can have is online, I get ghosted by dudes on a dating site. Like, we're talking, and you're just gone, because the one thing I'm not bad at, talking about interesting stuff, you can't show up for. Cool. Fine.
So, I'm feeling rejected a lot of places.
My D&D friends love me. I have not bad interactions online most of the time.
I have a spite project to ride my bike a shittone that I'm sticking to because, well, spite. Ex wanted me to enjoy riding with him, to actively feel good doing it and be proud of myself and, why? Literally anybody can do what I'm doing, so it doesn't mean shit. Anybody. He goes, "Could your ex husband?" "Sure, if he wanted to." "Would he?" "No." "Having the drive to do it makes the difference." "Why should I be proud of that?" "You moved to NEW YORK." "Yeah, with 10k, and a plan, and I failed." "Not everybody does that!" "Literally anybody could!"
It's true. I'm not fucking special. I was supposed to be, and I'm not. I'm never gonna be any better than the rest of my stupid useless family.
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