I have been out of work for two weeks. I got the first of my unemployment and realised that, even after taxes, I will be earning more on unemployment than if I were working. Considerably more. The same day this revelation hit, I got a text from my boss, to the tune of, "Working this way really sucks and I can't wait until things go back to normal."
I disagree. I didn't *tell* her this, but no. Seriously. I don't want to go back. If they'd furloughed me the minute this happened, I would have an extra $1800 in my bank account right now, and be on track to pick up another $1600. AFTER taxes. So, I'll have $1600, which is actually going to save me the difference between what I make and what it costs me to live, but do you KNOW what I could have done with $3400? This is also, save a week in New Orleans last year, the first vacation I've had in three years. Sure, I can't go anywhere, but I also don't *have* to go anywhere. Can I just do this? Forever?
I don't know why I work in the theatre right now. Nobody knows when we can re-open. When we do re-open, it's going to be a shitty, shitty situation that will be barely worth being open for, and as theatres close, where am I ever going to get another job?
I thought today maybe I should just shove it all and go work for some shitty corporate job. Every other aspect of my life sucks right now, I tried to do something about it, I failed, and I lack the motivation or conviction to start over again, because I'm carrying around the proven conviction that I am a waste of space, time, effort and value. How can I not? I'm currently earning more NOT working, I got dumped eight months ago because I'm not fun and don't eat and am not worth compromising for. The only friends I have are on computer screens hundreds of miles away and half the time I'm not convinced I'm not more trouble than I'm worth.
At the moment, I am also depressed as fuck and currently suffering from PMS, which is a bad combination.
This is, incidentally, why I want immortality. I'm increasingly convinced that time is running out, and so why bother? Why not just be dead NOW, for all the difference it will make? I've been to a lot of funerals. Mostly for relatives, never for anybody I cared all that much about, nobody I really miss, and it's actually not that big a deal. The universe doesn't care if you life or die. Heck, people who KNEW YOU rarely seem to care if you live or die. So what's the point? But with immortality, the work never stops. You can take time off to regroup, for years. It will be there when you get back.
By roughly Wednesday, I will be OK again, for another three weeks. Unless something else happens first.
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