Not Like That.

I've been talking to a guy from OKC.  Sort of- emails to get off the site.  I think I'm probably going to stop using OKC.  I find I automatically skip anybody who mentions food, alcohol, family or music, because that is not a person who is going to want anything to do with me.  That's a lot of people. 

It's probably unhealthy to go ahead and assume that none of these people could put up with me for long, but, well, better to skip it now than find out the truth in three fucking years.  All I want is someone willing to put up with my bullshit.  I'm willing to put up with a lot, but being with me is apparently worse than the things I've put up with:  lying, drinking, smoking tobacco, unhinged depressive breaks, cheating and contracting STDs.  And I have to live with that.  Yeah, I eventually dumped the cheating, lying, STD contractor, because that was never going to change, but I spent three years trying to reconcile myself to being with someone like that.  I came out of that relationship saying, "Nope, no more unchecked mental illness," and went RIGHT BACK to it.  And I decided that I was willing to stick around through that. 

The other day, I sort of lost my shit, and was texted my ex to ask if there was anything of mine he needed/wanted, because, whatever, he might as well have it.  Let me know what he needed, I'd give it to him.  He, correctly, ignored the depression, but said that the same was true for me.  "No.  That's not true.  It only goes to a certain point, with you," I said.  He said nothing. 

My friend tells me this particular brand of loyalty is worthwhile for people who deserve it.  I doubt this, because it doesn't seem to make me many friends.  Heck, it's even seen as suspicious, "If we let you help, and we don't like it, will you be mad?"  What the hell?  No.  What the fuck is wrong with you people?  I just want to be involved and the only way I can do that, because I'm not personable or talented, is to be useful. 

I dunno where these conversations are going to go.  Probably nowhere.  I started talking to him, and he at least responded, but I don't think I'm going to be convinced to now ask to meet this guy.  He's probably just a person and so far, I'm not that interested. 

I keep saying no more humans, and clearly this keeps happening.  Might as well give it up entirely rather than keep trying.