Waiting

I couldn't find a good way to transition from a chatty, friendly email about this dude having brunch with friends, talking about his love for sushi, and his plans to go visit his family later (seriously, that was the email) to, "Hey, so, um, for all of those reasons, my dude, run."  So instead I just responded very honestly to what he was saying with my perspective on the same topics, "Hey, I have no friends who aren't on a screen, I don't eat anything, and I saw my family two years ago because I couldn't think of any way to avoid it.  I wouldn't put it against you if you peaced out now." 

I passively want to die. Seventh day in a row, now. This is a new record. And it's passive, because I don't have a plan and I still hate pain enough that I have no interest in self-inflicted pain, but if somebody was like, "Hey, tap this button and you fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up," I'd mash that fucker like a Kindergartner playing Mortal Kombat.  (Google tells me that I am more familiar with Street Fighter II, and I was in second grade when it came out, but, whatever.) 

I could disappear for a few days, but I worry about maybe not coming back?  And the fact that even if I decided to invest in 5 days of running away, I could've bought a bed frame or probably contacts with that money, and so do I really have it to waste?  And also, I probably shouldn't go anywhere until they either continue the additional unemployment money beyond the end of July, or promise to send a second stimulus, because I have no guarantees when I go back to work, and I still know that with the money I have right now, and the most money I can earn for the rest of the year, I'll break even on my budget.  But I'm also afraid I'm going to have to go back to work at the end of July and what if I waste my chance? 

I'm too afraid of the prospect of surviving that I'm scared to live.  What the actual fuck am I doing? 

I'm fully converted to a reverse sleep schedule.  Went to bed at nearly 7am, woke up at 5 and physically couldn't sleep anymore.  Now it's about 10:30 and I want a nap. 

I'm actively pissing off my friend, because I've got way too much dislocated anger and nowhere to put it.  I pissed off my ex on Tuesday because he decided that he's not going to listen to my bullshit anymore.  So, whatever, fine.  I hate the pandemic because any time I didn't want to do any social things, I could just lie and invent some OTHER social obligation and then do nothing, so I've been playing D&D the last two weeks wishing I wasn't.  Which is STUPID, because at the same time, I recognise one of my problems is that I think everybody hates me, and possibly I'm way too isolated for my own good, so maybe I should do this thing that in theory I like and disproves the other two?  But, it's been difficult, because I just as badly actually think I do just want everyone to go away and let me die.  Given access to the Mortal Kombat button of non-existence that doesn't exist. 

I should eat something, but food is too hard. 

I feel like I'm waiting for something.  I don't know what, there's literally nothing good on the horizon that I can see, or give a fuck about.