#Winning

I'm angry and hurt and I have no idea how to fix it.  This is the beginning of the third week of whatever this ball of shit is.  I can't do anything to get my mind off it. I read for about an hour earlier this... month, I guess, because I couldn't begin to speculate whether it was days or weeks ago, which I haven't been able to do in months, but I haven't been able to repeat that. 

Reasonably sure I won't be hearing from the email guy again, as I typically hear within 48 hours and, nah.  You know, I really love Taco Bell. I would never feel badly if someone said to me, "I will never eat Taco Bell with you."  I'd be like, awesome, more Taco Bell for me.  Same if someone didn't want to see theatre with me, actually, like, fine, I'm gonna go do that and you do... whatever it is you do. 

I'm sort of convinced that my ex-husband would still take me back, and that's the part that hurts the worst, that maybe that's the only kind of person I'm good enough for. 

Newest ex, I'd forgotten, used to get mad when he'd talk about the people who broke up with him for being diabetic.  I presume they didn't wait two years and move in with him first. 

I'm angry that he went on and on about how he was going to be single for at least a year, and now he's got a girlfriend who essentially lives with him rent-free, and will probably be moving in soon.  I wonder if I'd made the kind of money she does (his ex-wife was on a similar rate of pay) if the relationship would have lasted longer. 

That may be unkind, it may be untrue, I don't actually know or really care.  I'd kind of like all this bullshit to go away.  I would much rather do anything else than feel this shitty every single day, but I don't know how.  There's one thing that works artificially, and I appreciate that respite, though I presume it can't really be at all healthy for me. 

The Internet, where I usually go, is full of people who probably do legitimately hurt more than I do, but I have really, really ceased to care.  You think your life matters?  Guess what?  Somehow I'm apparently sitting on third base because I have a job and a college education and can barely afford to live in a major city, and so help me if that's just because I'm white?  Fuck this entire system. 

I'm tired of having to feel grateful for a shit deal, and the places I go for happiness are full of people mostly richer and whiter and better off than I am telling me that I am the problem.  Thanks, white people. 

Again, I don't even know whether this is actually true, but it's where I am at the moment.