Nobody Likes Me, And I Am Gonna Make Sure of It.

At 8:15 I went to the bathroom and heard a dropping noise. It had already been a not so great day, thanks to general mailaise and a real desire to kill the asshole in my head who hates me and everybody else. Dripping is unusual for my bathroom. Especially as it was coming from the tub I haven't used in a week. 

It was coming from the ceiling. It broke me. I called the maintenance people, told them what was up, said I wouldn't be there when they got there, have fun, and left. The plan was to drive until the car ran out of gas (344 milea according to the car) and then hope I'd die somewhere.  

A coyote ran across the road as I entered the mountains. 

Possibly one of the stupidest things you can do is drive strange, winding mountain roads in the dark. You'd think they'd be deserted, but the problem with mountain roads is they represent the only route. So someone who can drive that road better and faster than you is suddenly behind you and you can feel their hate. Pull-offs aren't frequent. 

Finally, I hit a stretch I'm alone, and have been alone for about ten minutes. And that's when the mule deer lunges out into the road. I stop, skidding, missing the deer. Familiar with white tail deer, I look for the others. Maybe mule deer are different, but it was just this one. When I look, I don't even see the first one anymore, but I assume she went around the bend I came from. There was a fence on the left side of the road, the drop on the right. 

Obviously, I determine I didn't want to die that badly and I should probably go home, so I did. 

Now I am, I wish the deer hadn't given me a choice in the matter. 

I'm tired of being alone and worthless and largely unnoticed. I know it's better than I think, but I don't feel it. I tried to go back to my hometown to get some stuff out of storage. My mother told me basically not to, that there was no place for me and nothing open so I'd just be unhappy. Already there, Mom.  

I'm angry other people are happy. They have direct access to people who actually care about them. I short circuit every weekend because I can't go outdoors, it's crowded with people, and I have to try to survive until I can go back to work for a few days and be reminded that I have a job, sort of. It gives me something else to think about, I guess.  

It's not a happy thought, but it's a thought. 

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to ask anyone else to give a fuck about me when I barely do. I want to shut everything out but that just makes it worse. 

The scariest thing is that I disassociate. When I run off, I get tunnel vision, I don't really feel like I'm me or care what happens to me, or why. 

I am exhausted with me. I'm sure everyone else is, too. I don't know how to apologise often enough or well enough for who I am. I want it all to stop, I just don't want to have to do it. 

Manhattan, I've Prepared For You

I always wished someone would come to New York so I could show them around. Anybody, frankly. And I currently miss it, so here's my travel itinerary for someone visiting the city for the first time.  

First of all, in spite of Thoroughly Modern Millie singing that she arrived one block south of Macy's and two south of Brooks Brothers, that's sort of impossible. Brooks Brothers has been at West 44th & Madison Ave since 1919, and Macy's has been on West 34th at Herald Square since 1902.  That's ten blocks between them.  BUT, if she's at Penn Station, Macy's is a block north, and if she's at Grand Central Station, Brooks Brothers is two blocks north.  Meaning the song knew it's creating a New York that doesn't exist, but also does. If you're entering Manhattan by train, one or the other is true depending on where she arrives, but we don't need to know. These are the things you look up when that song is in your head literally all the time.  

I arrived at the Port Authority and promptly got on the subway going the wrong way (which is not really possible in Toronto, where I'd done all my subway practice) and went an hour out of my way carrying probably 60lbs of luggage.  This is the part of New York I still don't know how to navigate.  I don't know a positive way to enter the city unless you get a ride.  That is probably the best option and damn the expense, because you're tired, and transportation is complicated unless you know where you're going, but you don't, because you just want to be done, because you're here now.  I don't think it should be a requirement to battle the MTA for entrance to the city.  It may *help* in the long term, but it's not encouraging for a shorter visit. 

So, OK, the initial trek to wherever you're staying does not count. After you're rested and prepared for New York (probably something to tackle tomorrow; if it's anywhere near sunset, discover the joys of ordering delivery in NYC, where you can have literally anything you want in less than 45 minutes for actually not all that much more than you'd expect to pay).  Tomorrow, we will tackle the MTA.  

I firmly believe the first order of business is to learn the subway.  From wherever you are, you're going to Fulton Street.  Two good reasons for this, it's not an incredibly hard station to get to, though the station itself is bewildering, and it's in lower Manhattan.  Leave the station, go see Trinity Church and the World Trade Center, the Stock Exchange, Federal Hall, Bowling Green, and the Brooklyn Bridge (or, swap these for things you actually care about, but if you don't have a special interest, hit these regardless).  Do not walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.  I know you want to.  Don't.  Whatever you think is gonna happen up there will NOT happen up there.  I promise.  Besides, if you are not a walker and you have already walked to all of the other places, you are probably about ready to die.  But you have seen New Amsterdam and Hamilton's New York and you begin to understand what the city requires from you.  While down here, if you're interested in Broadway theatre, go to the TKTS booth here.  It's the least busy location because no one knows where it is.  

If you got up early enough, it's supper time.  I don't care where you're staying, choose any famous pizza place in the city. It does not matter which one. Frankly, I never made it to any of them except Motorino, and it's not actually all that famous.  My favourite pizza in the city is Percy's, a slice place on Bleeker Street.  A note on food in NYC:  if you eat anything, you do not care where you go.  You really don't.  It's all fine.  It has to be.  If it's paying rent in the 5 boroughs, it's either a front for something, or it's good.  And if it's a front, it's still probably good.  (If you are interested in night life and drinking, you're on your own. Not my thing, dunno anything about it.) 

If the next day is a weekday, Midtown.  Bryant Park is the most convenient station, but get off at Grand Central.  You're already committed to walking, and you get to walk out of Grand Central Station.  Bryant Park, the Schwarzman Library, Drama Book Shop, Times Square, Radio City, Empire State, Chrysler Building and 30 Rock.  Rockefeller Center is pretty cool all on its own and you can see the other two from it, but it's also the most expensive (the Chrysler Building is re-opening a new Observation Deck in a few years, but, honestly, if you can't see the Chrysler Building in the skyline, what's even the point?).  If you're walking fast enough, this gives you time to figure out how to navigate the B train to Columbus Circle. This station sucks, but is necessary if you want to see Lincoln Center.  If you don't, just go all the way up to the Natural History Museum. If it's gross out, go inside. If it's nice, see Central Park. You don't have time for The Met unless you can get in free.  The Met is an entire day with paid admission.  

The next day, save for whatever weird pilgrimage brought you to New York, you've basically hit the best bits of Manhattan.  Baseball, magic, fashion, jazz, art, museums, politics, cemeteries, parks, zoos, theatre, immigration, transportation, enslavement:  name your personal interest and there is plenty to see.  

That's three days in the city.  You should have a decent handle on where you are and how to get where you're going within Manhattan.  If you were brave, you've also had dinners in Astoria and Williamsburg.  So, three out of five boroughs and no one has forced you onto an expensive bus or ferry tour.  Congratulations.  Your next visit will be weirder.  

Welcome the Blood Fairy

My laptop celebrated its 5th birthday in June.  It's lasted longer than my last relationship and roughly as many as the positive years of the relationship before that. And of course, this is the part where I mention that the screen has been struggling for a while and has gone beyond what I can reasonably tolerate.  I could try to replace it for $50, but the knowledge that the average laptop's lifespan is three years, and an awareness that the power supply will be next, followed by the internal components, it is probably more cost effective to simply replace the entire machine right now while I have available funds than to throw good money after bad for the next year.  And it's also reasonably likely that taking the screen apart to replace it would require a soldering iron and possibly the screen bezel would never go back together properly.  The reality is, I need a functioning computer more than I need furniture or decent lighting in my apartment or a second good-on-paper-but-not-in-practice project that I manage to fail like the debacle of the thrift store shelves.  

Five years ago, I paid $680 for a 2-in-1 touchscreen with a mid-range processor, mid-range RAM, more hard drive than I strictly needed, and in a brand that no longer makes consumer model laptops, which is disappointing because this is the longest lasting of the bunch. But, OK, I looked online, compared prices, scratched my head a lot, decided on a store and thought, "Maybe they have more models in store?"  I do not know when I will get it into my head that a physical store has become a useless box with a bunch of shit I don't want, and absolutely nothing I might actually need and compromise will be absolutely necessary.  But, into the store I went, assuming that, hey, it's been five years, maybe I can find something that's nearly what I had for half the price.  

Wrong.

I was confused by what I was seeing, and decided I wanted to speak to someone.  There were two couples in there, both slightly older than me, both blonde wives with their dudebros.  They were swooped down upon.  I stood there looking confused for five minutes before I was finally approached.  I'm aware that I am usually ignored by sales people, and I typically appreciate it, but it always backfires when I *actually* want one.  I dunno if I look poor or like I know what I'm doing even when I'm standing there trying to look like I have my thumb up my butt or if it's because I wasn't a dude, or what.  But I've got him now, so I asked the saleskid, "Why, when the lifespan of a laptop is 3 years, am I seeing the exact same specs for almost the same prices I saw 5 years ago when I bought the last one?"  And the kid goes, "Well, the technology is slowing." 
"And the price remains the same because?" 
"...Planned obsolescence.  I can't do anything about that-"
"No, but you admitted to it, which I appreciate."  And I did.  Unfortunately, this is about the last thing this kid gets right.  
"But I *can* offer you a support plan, in case anything happens.  This one is good for four years-" 
"My current laptop is 5 years old. If history repeats itself, that's a useless thing I've spent money on, isn't it?" 
"Yeah, but, if it doesn't-" 
"If it doesn't, would I avoid the risk by purchasing a nine hundred dollar machine?"  He's a salesperson, he's listening for dollar amounts. I can back him into a corner if I'm pretending I am willing to spend more.  
"Maybe.  This model- "  And sure enough, he points to the most expensive model on the floor, where I already know the only difference is that it has the highest end processor and twice the RAM, anything else is cosmetic except it hasn't really *got* any fancy cosmetics. It's not a touchscreen, it's not a 2-in-1, it hasn't got a fancy sound system or video card. 
"That's more than I can afford to spend.  But my point is, if I could afford that kind of money, why would I buy this machine plus the package, if I could, instead, get a higher quality piece of equipment?"  I know, he has to do his sales bit but I was in no mood for it.  I watch him deflate. "Listen, I don't have any money because it's a pandemic, and none of this was supposed to happen. I just wanted to be able to weigh my options."  I point to the model I think I'm standing in front of, the one that I'd pretty much decided was what I'd probably buy, except that here in the store, it's advertised as being $80 less, and I can tell it isn't exactly the same laptop, but I can't confirm the processor in the system details and they're showing *two* separate advertised deals next to it.  "Can you confirm that this model *is* the same as this one on your website?"  
"Y-es."  
"Then why is it $80 more online?"  
"...Sometimes it happens that way?  Of course if their price was lower, we would honour it, and if you wanted to purchase online, you could call the customer service line and request our price."  

Frankly, all I wanted to do was go in, molest the three models of computers I'd already checked out online and then walk out of the store with one of them.  I HATE buying things online, and am especially unimpressed now the mail has become ineffable.  If I have any reservations about what I'm purchasing, I want to be able to see it and touch it first.  So, no, I don't really want to do any of that.  

"OK, so, here's my question.  If this is the model, why does this one online have a ten key and this one right here doesn't?"  I know he doesn't know, I know he just works there, but he's deep into his sales pitch, so, fine, I'm gonna treat him like a salesman and it's time for him to sell me on something.
"...I don't know.  It has a ten key?" 
"Yes.  It's in the picture and listed in the specs." 

I can also see that the model I'm staring at is also not the same size as the one online.  It's a 14", not a 15".  I like a 15".  Usually it means it has a ten key, which I like, but I also prefer the slightly larger footprint.  I am suspicious that there is something else going on here, because there is no logical reason for the exact same model, with free shipping, to cost LESS online. But I'm not going to say that.  I need him to tell me.  

"Oh.  Well.  Wait.  This is *this* model."  He points to the ad pricing for a cheaper model with lower specs. I am uninterested in lower specs because the processor speed on my existing laptop was low enough.  I don't need more hard drive, I just want something that can work as fast as I can think.  
"So it's not this model that's online, but you do have that model, and this price is good, and that price is for sure for the one that has a ten key?"  
"I've never seen one, but that makes sense."  

Time out.  I keep saying kid, but this dude actually wasn't all *that* much younger than me.  He was definitely in his late 20s. He is standing in the store trying to sell me a product that he hasn't seen, which, OK, sure, they're all in boxes someplace and stock is someone else's problem, that's not that unusual.  But we are standing in the store and I am expressing doubt at what a product is and he's standing there going, "Yeah, I mean, I guess that's correct, but I'm not going to walk away and check.  I'm not going to pull something up on some piece of technology and confirm this for you.  I'm just gonna say that, sure, that seems right."  And at that moment, he starts describing their return policy.  All I wanted, dude, was for you to sell me on a thing.  All you had to do was prove to me that I can save $80 dollars in the store, right now, today, and I would have walked out the door with the thing.  And you didn't do it.  You would rather I walk out the store with something I would have to bring back the second I got it home.  Why?  

OK.  Well.  Now I'm skeptical about the cost effective model that I had kind of decided was the one I should buy.  However, in store, I also discovered that I preferred the design of my third choice.  Like the most expensive model in the store, it's a brand that I don't really trust because while their business models are impressive, the home consumer one I had lasted two years.  Unlike the laptop that lasted three years, it didn't need to be sent in several times under warranty and then slowly became a brick, it just fell apart.  But, it wasn't that much more expensive and it had slightly higher specs than the mid-range model. (My "budget" option was dismissed for being the same brand as the mid-range, but with lower specs, and the laptop itself wasn't that great. If it was going to look that cheap, it had better have decent hardware in it.)  However, if the one that looked like it was higher quality was on some kind of sale, I could very likely simply switch to that brand and walk out the door hoping it made it 2 or 3 years, because it would be more computer than one I bought five years ago and for a slightly lower price.  If it was on sale.  There's no price listed next to the model, and the only way I had been able to determine that it very likely *was* the model I was looking at online had been to check out the system specs before the saleskid finally noticed me.  

"So, tell me this.  Is this more expensive model the same as the price listed online?  There's no tag."  
"Very likely, yes."  

At this point, all I can assume is that the kid is done with me, because AGAIN, all he had to do was say, "Let me go confirm that," and I still might have weighed the two and decided, "What the hell." And I would have exited the store with a laptop that was the highest processor, same amount of RAM, a solid state drive, and since it cost less than the model I'd purchased five years prior, and I would be trusting that the rest of it held up.  But he didn't do that.  

I work in customer service.  I understand and am frequently exhausted that the entire function of the role is to solve problems for customers.  Yes, you have to solve the problems within the framework of the demands of the company, but I wasn't trying to haggle this kid.  I wasn't asking him to do anything impossible, all I was doing were expressing the doubts that separated me from buying a five to six hundred dollar piece of technology off him and walking out the door with it.  His goal should have been to answer my dang questions, and the best he could do was go, "Yeah, sure, maybe?"  

And he was clearly a computer sales kid.  That was clearly his job. He was there wearing a dress shirt and tie while the lowly retail staff were wearing polos.  I wasn't being much of a jerk.  My agenda was different from his, because I wanted to walk out the door with a laptop I was convinced would at least survive two years, twice that if I got lucky, and within the price range I was looking at.  In his, I walked out of the store as a sap who had been talked into buying a bunch of junk I didn't need and spending $1200, and all I can figure is that he checked out when it became clear that wasn't happening.  If there'd been a lot of people in the store, maybe that would have made sense, but that wasn't the case.  They had three computer customers (me and the two couples) and I was the one in the market to spend the most. The other two couples were buying cheaper models.  Even if they were talked into the security package and the warranty and Office, they'd come out nearly the same amount I was proposing to spend on just the computer. And, as I said, I wasn't interested in a slower processor speed.  

Maybe it's a situation where they actually give no fucks which computer you buy, and add-ons are the deal.  If that's where they're making their money and that's where they need to tick boxes, I guess I see his point.  I clearly wasn't interested in any of that and would have fought him, politely, until he dropped it.  But it didn't feel like that, it felt like, "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!"  

After leaving the office supply store, I went to the pharmacy. I needed to pick up my birth control. The only reason I'm taking it, at the moment, is so I don't have periods. Due to it being covered by insurance, I'm not allowed to call too soon.  I tried refilling it 5 days in advance once and that was too soon, so now I just call it in the Saturday before I'm out and pick it up on Sunday.  I tried the auto refill one month and they missed the refill date and I had to call them and make them process it manually, so I took two pills one day.  When it's just to stave off the period, this doesn't bother me that much, but if I was actively having sex, I'd be pissed about this.  I should not be more responsible than the dang pharmacy about a medication that requires you pretty much keep to the schedule if you don't wanna get pregananant.  

So, anyway, trying to pick up a prescription.  It's not there.  Apparently, they need my doctor to order the refill.  He did that.  In May.  It should have been for a year.  And I didn't hear about it until Sunday at 4pm when I tried to collect the prescription.  I still have no idea how I was supposed to know this.  "Why does this need a second refill confirmation?"  I ask.  Pharmacy Tech asks Pharmacist what to do, and Pharmacist says, "Oh, well, we contacted them yesterday, but we didn't hear back.  Um, you can call them right now and have them do it and maybe you'll have it Monday?"  "It's Sunday, this is birth control."  I stand there for bit while two dudes stare back at me.  

Things they could have offered:  "Would you like to pay out of pocket?"  ($34.99, I'm not gonna suggest it myself, but if presented with the option probably would have caved and gone for it.)  Or, my preference, "Would you like us to figure out what went wrong and make this right?"  Or hell, I dunno, maybe there were other secret options I didn't know about because I'm not in the business of successfully distributing prescriptions. And I'm extra cranky because it's BIRTH CONTROL.  It's not METH.  I'm not selling it on the black market.  I just don't want to feel like cranky, warmed over death for three or four days for funsies.  Especially not when that's kind of how I feel any given day right now anyway.  

Again, I assume they don't actually know why, but their system or my insurance created a barrier that means I could wear myself out to fix it for them, or I could just bleed this month.  I made a decision.  

I've Been Here Before

Unfriended my ex the other day.  He was being a selfish jerk, and I was done.  I feel bad about this, because when he's NOT being a selfish jerk, he's not a bad guy, and I'm going to miss him, but he's pretty well failed to be who I need or want in a friend, and I can't keep trying to get that out of him.  And since then I have felt better than I have in months.  I suspect that choosing to reject him myself has killed the feedback loop of, "Why did he do this, I must be a terrible person," because now I'm just like, "Hey, he can choose not to be an asshole sometime if he wants, and until then, I don't have to worry about shit like his opinion."  

And the timing's not bad, because now I'm back to work and actively see people.  It got real bad when I knew the only person I could interact with in person was down the fucking hall who never bothered to knock on my door.  Like.  Hey.  Maybe act like my friend?  (I couldn't do this the other way, because his girlfriend hates me, which, I mean, yeah.  Red flag, especially when I hated his damn friends and he was always hanging out with them anyway.  I didn't care about this, hang out with them, whatever.  He cared, it's one of the reasons he broke up with me.)  

The unfriending triggered when I asked how often he'd been to see his friends, because they lived about 6 blocks away.  That's when he revealed they moved a 20 minute drive away (he won't ride the bus right now, and I know he hasn't been riding his bike out there, so that means the only way he can get there is for his girlfriend to take him), and they'd been out there at least 6 times in the same amount of time I saw him once.  I live down the hall.  You can't play the, "I'm busy," card THAT often if you're gonna get your girlfriend to drive your ass across town on the regular, but even just knocking on my door to say hi when you walk past to check the mail (which I know he does EVERY DAY) is too damn hard.  

But the nail on the literal coffin that set me thinking was when he said he was worried about me because he was afraid that one day he'd walk by my door and smell my dead body.  OK.  So.  I have a studio apartment and my windows are always open because I am not running the A/C unless it hits, like, 85 in here.  (82 has been the high.)  My research indicates that a human body will start to smell after 24 hours, but in most cases, it doesn't become pungent enough for anybody to notice for at least 3 days.  And I think, due to the ventilation situation, it would probably be more like a week, or more. 

Since I'm back to work, my boss already would've sent the cops after the first day I was over an hour late to work and not responding to contact.  On top of this, I typically sent him enough texts in a day that if I went 24 hours without, that is unusual. Also, when things would get really bad, I was actively telling him what was up.  This means that, effectively, a guy who claims he's my friend 1. wouldn't notice me texting him a bunch telling him that I was not OK 2. wouldn't notice that those texts stopped and 3. probably wouldn't actually get concerned until I'd been dead for days.  Um.  Dude, I dunno what you thought saying that was gonna do, but it doesn't make you look like the concerned individual you thought it did.  

And then I responded to a meme from him with, "Hey, I'm rethinking our relationship right now, so I don't really want to talk to you, but if you want to hear what's up, when you have time, because I know you're busy, let me know."  And he said he might not respond, but he could listen. And I gave him a brief rundown.  I chose other examples, because when he texted, I was literally in a re-write of the email I was intending to send instead saying, "Hey, I want to be your friend, here are some things I'd like us to work on," and was trying to be diplomatic and also cover my bases, and he was like, "I'm busy and I don't have time to deal with any of this."  Welp.  G'bye.  This was all in the space of minutes.  I basically said, "Hey, not right now, but when you have time, here are some things I'm struggling with and I wish you would make time for our friendship."  And he said no.  How else am I supposed to respond to that?  Like, I got dumped because he decided he didn't want to give me any more time to try to compromise on stuff I was struggling with, and I got given the final notice way after he was already mentally checked out. This is why coming up on the third month of feeling like this was yet another relationship he didn't value felt like I was giving someone way more opportunities to not be an asshole when we've discussed it repeatedly than I was given warnings our relationship was ending, ehhhhhh, doesn't feel that unfair or out of the blue.  He told me I was being rash.  Dude.  Did you fucking LISTEN to the other times I said, "Hey, the way you're treating me needs to change.  Is there anything I can do?"  

But I feel really, really alone.  I used to feel lonely because I wanted to talk to someone who didn't want anything to do with me.  Now I just feel alone.  Everyone I can talk to lives hundreds of miles away, and I'm down to one person I can actually talk to, and, well, that's another person with a life, but they make an effort and I appreciate it. 

'Cause I've got nothing happening in my life.  I've got a job that I am afraid will not be able to keep me financially solvent before it has to.  I've got no way of meeting people.  I've got no interest in projects or hobbies or anything because, why?  Why do anything if it's never gonna matter?  

Someone I follow on Twitter was talking about their relationship to science fiction and their current relationship with gender and said this, "What the fuck good is a future to me if the only role I can have in it is the same constrained and diminished one that the present tries to cram me into."  And.  Yeah.  

Decrease the Surplus Population

When do I admit defeat to the government and just go around licking doorknobs?

I'm trapped in this country indefinitely.  This country where all my friends are hundreds of miles away and I have a tenuous job in an industry that doesn't exist anymore.  Unemployment runs out at the end of the month.  Allegedly I'm supposed to be back to work in some capacity after the 27th, but that's in ten days and I haven't heard anything.  A week ago I checked with my boss, who said if she heard any more, she would let me know.

So.  Best case scenario, I work from home full hours (doing who knows what, though- we can't possibly have that much to do) and lose the extra $300 a week.  Or, I'm back on partial hours and lose *more* than that.  OR, nothing changes except the additional unemployment limit runs out and I LOSE $300 every week.  Meaning that in one month I'd break even from the government support, and after that I'm fucked.

Apparently, I'm supposed to take some other job.  What other job?  What is my life worth if I have to do something else?  Everything else I'm qualified to do is shut down, so I would literally be left in this current fucking universe but add in a job that will probably make me want to kill myself, and why should I even live?

Oh, and my industry is sending out a message REAL HARD that every single thing I've ever done theatrically is too white and therefore worthless.  So.  Y'know.  In my personal life, I know, like, 15 people (aka, people I have actually spoken to in some capacity since March, the rest of you fuckers can get fucked).  All of them are white dudes except for two white women and a woman of colour.  Like, that's my personal life.  And I know HALF of them because of a dude I went to college with who popped back into my life when I moved to the same city as him.  That's it.  Those are the people I know.  TWO of them haven't worked in professional theatre.  So.  I mean, fine, fuck me.  Fuck my privilege because apparently I've had all the fucking advantages, fucking clearly.

So, that's what I want to know.  Do I have to fly to DC and just wait for the cops to murder me, or do I go to Florida and hang out on a beach and refuse treatment?  How do I tell the government they won, they've destroyed any last remaining hope I have because my life was a fucking shambles already, and then they can win and this can all be over and I can be dead?

I'm tired of being angry all the time, but I don't know how to stop it.  I'm lonely, and alone, and literally everybody else has somebody in their life who puts them first, and I have... my mother, I guess.  Who drives me fucking crazy.  And I don't really have her because oh boy, if we were ever to actually have a conversation about anything that has actually happened in my life in the last six years, I mean, I don't even know.

My friends' little dog (they have two, the big young one and the little old one) has kidney failure.  It's gonna kill him probably in the next 6 months.  They told us today and I kinda lost it.  Not at them, they're not gonna know, but, just, like, can't THEY catch a break?  And I mentioned it to my ex the vet tech because I wanted him to say, "Oh yeah, he can probably have an OK life," and I got nothing, so I was like, "Hey, can you tell me the rules for when it's OK to tell you I'm having a problem."  "Sorry, I'm busy.  No rules."

I dunno.  If I'm somebody's friend and the text me, unless I'm in actively in the shower or something seriously unusual is going on, they hear back from me right away.  I said to a friend recently, "You know if I asked you if you needed a ride and you said maybe, I would drop everything I was doing and just wait around for you to confirm you needed the ride, right, you know that?"  And he was like, "Wow, that is not how that works."  Except that it is for me.  I don't necessarily care if they do or don't need the ride, but that's how I operate- everything stops until maybe becomes yes or no, and yes means immediate action.  For whatever it is.  If I flake out on you, I know I have, and you know I have, because I've apologised several times for not having done whatever.

This is what I think friendship is.  Can you imagine what I think a committed relationship requires?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I give up.

I read all the depression advice.  There are four trends- reach out to your friends; eat well; exercise; enjoy a hobby.  Well.  Fuck.  The first one, like I said, everybody else has someone more important in their life than me and I'm asking way too much of them, so, that's as good as it's ever gonna get.  Eat well.  Fuck.  I hate eating.  I hate shopping for food, I hate cooking, it's all turned into one huge reminder that I fucked up an entire relationship because of all of this.  Same with exercise.  I can do it, but it's invariably turns me into a ball of rage and frustration.  So, yeah, great.  And the 4th.  Well.  I used to have a job that substituted, except I can't do that any more.  I can't concentrate on reading.  Everything else costs money and, well, fuck me.  So.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.  Go into fucking debt and worry about that, which would also just keep me fucked up 24-7? 

When will I ever be FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE? 

Second Moose, Same As the First

I'm not feeling extraordinarily competent in any area of my life at the moment.

I work a job where I don't get paid enough to live. Said job contributes little to the world and, who knows, may not ever actually exist ever again. I've got no motivation or interest in anything.  Maybe I used to write things? A few months ago I could at least read.

My knowledge base is useless.  I have no real job skills.  I have very little worth as a person. There are useless people. It's a fantasy to pretend anything else, and I'm one of them.

If the federal supplement to unemployment isn't extended and work doesn't re-open (which, frankly, I don't want it to), I should probably start looking for work.  What work?  I don't know.  I don't even want to go back to my actual job. 

My savings will be gone in 4 months, without the unemployment supplement.  This is not going to get better. 

People on Twitter are all simultaneously posting photos of them visiting family and friends and going, "I don't feel like celebrating," well, then, what the fuck are you doing in somebody else's backyard during a motherfucking pandemic?  Clearly you're doing something I have no capacity to do. 

I tried to escape and go camping earlier this week and was foiled at that plan because of course, what have I managed to do right in the last year?  So I spent more money for fewer days and reserved a camp site.  Maybe I'll get eaten by a bear. 

I Just Want to Know What the Rules Are

Not sure what we're "talking" about tomorrow, so here's me putting together what I'd like to say to him, and trying to boil it down to its essence. 

Things I Was Told At One Point
"I won't be with anyone while you live here." 
"I'm with people."  (LESS THAN ONE MONTH LATER.)
"I'm not serious about her." (WHILE SLEEPING WITH ME.)
 "It might be serious.  I'm not sure.  I'll let you know."  (WHILE SLEEPING WITH ME.)
"I'm living alone for a year."
"She's here a lot."  (LESS THAN ONE MONTH AFTER I MOVE OUT.)
"She should probably pay rent." (DEFINITELY LESS THAN ONE YEAR LATER.)
"She and I need to talk about her moving in with me."  (STILL CONSIDERABLY LESS THAN ONE YEAR LATER.) 

The story keeps changing.  Sure, I get it, you are a spontaneous, reactive lover, absolutely.  Which we talked about when I explained to you that I made this request not to get into another relationship partly so you WOULDN'T jump straight into another serious relationship that couldn't actually possibly be serious. 

Now, do I have any real right to make any demands on you at this point?  No.  I'm only pointing out how fast that timeline changed, and that every single change hurts me all over again.  I don't feel that I meant very much to you if you can set these boundaries and break them so quickly.  I can't believe what you SAY, because your actions do not align with what you say.  Stop saying things you can't back with action if you're only saying them to not hurt me.  Your actions hurt me.  Repeatedly.  Over and over again. 

In less a year, you've been living with someone for three months, and I'm supposed to, basically, move on from my feelings about all of that, and also accept her unconditionally.  That is a lot, and I have NEVER done this before.  EVER.  I spent three years getting over a marriage *I* ended and my next relationship was YOU.  I care for you and our relationship exponentially more than I did for that ten year marriage and nearly 15 year relationship.  Do you get that?  Do you understand how very, very badly I hurt?  And the list of things I'm supposed to just... ignore because hey, you don't love me, you love this other chick now, and ugh, sorry, what are you supposed to do, can't I just get over it?  Well.  Sure.  I can understand that request to make your life easier, and that you didn't ask for this, but I can't deal with my pain right now. 

I don't have the TIME to deal with my pain, because you also keep saying that I need to accept you, I need to accept her, don't push you away, don't push you away.  Dude.  Every single time I see you, I am hurt again.  I don't know if it's necessarily fair to say that you hurt me as an action on purpose, but I am passively hurt by the disconnect between where I am and where you are.  Every single time.  And yes, it's worse right now because I am ENTIRELY isolated.  I don't leave the house more than about once or twice a week, I see no other people I know in person apart from you.  That's reality, and clearly, I cannot deal with it.  I do not know how, but I am trying.  And guess what?  NOBODY knows how to deal with this, because this shit is UNPRECEDENTED.  But don't push you away, pretend a friendship can be forged on this uneven ground, and most of all, get over it. 

I accept that you did not ask for this situation, but I have told you before, "You have no say in how long it takes me to process my own pain."  If this is another situation where you are incapable of accepting me where I am, maybe you don't need to be my friend.  You like to tell me that you don't need me nearly as much as I need you, and this is one of the reasons I was so furious about the testing.  You demanded my help, you refused to take my advice, then you freaked out and refused to solve your own problem and I had to offer to do something that I HATE in order to get you to stop sending me paranoid texts.  I've loaned you my car, I sent you the information on the insurance so you could rent a car on your trip multiple times, I drove you to the fucking hospital when you got fucking rabies.  I agreed to wake up to drive you to work so I could have my own car and not inconvenience your girlfriend because she doesn't like to wake up early on a Saturday.  I am not only actively trying to be your friend, I am inadvertently allowing myself to be your fucking doormat to show you, YET AGAIN, how hard I am TRYING to be who you need me to be. 

So, OK.  Be your friend.  What do I need to do to do that?  I have to completely re-think who I think you are as a human being in light of all this.  Because my understanding of our relationship was that you were someone I was willing to be with, and to work with, and to accept, but you decided you were over me and waited months to tell me.  And then I had to ask YOU if this relationship was actually over, or if we were dragging it out to the end of the lease, and you were like, "Yeah, it's over," meaning that by the time you told me in September that things needed to change, or else, you were already done thinking they could.  So for you, yeah, if you've been over me since early 2019, what the fuck is wrong with me?  I can sort of see that perspective even though I do not understand it.  Except, well, you didn't TELL me.  You said, "Please change this behaviour," and watched me struggle and struggle and made every single time we left the house to do something important to you anxiety inducing because I didn't understand HOW I would be wrong, only that I ABSOLUTELY would, but, OK, try, try, try to be someone I don't even understand how to be, and you never said, "By the way, my love and regard for you is conditional on this list of your shortcomings being gotten over right the fuck now." 

While this was happening, I was also going, "OK, I won't talk about how much it upsets me that I have to pick his drunk ass up and let him throw up all the way home and pass out in the bathroom, I won't talk about how much time he spends at the bar, I won't talk about how much I wish he was on medication or in therapy, I won't mention how badly I wish he would be transparent about his tobacco use, because unlike me, he cannot change those.  He said he can't, because circumstances make it impossible right now.  I accept that, I can wait.  I have to keep trying to change right now, and this hurts, but maybe seeing my hurt will help him realise that he could probably just compromise, since he can't work on himself and I've made that compromise.  Maybe." 

Now.  OK.  Yes, I should have taken a good, long hard look at this and said to myself, "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?"  But I didn't.  Because I thought I was in a mutually supportive, unconditional situation and therefore you couldn't actually be asking me to tolerate your bad behaviour and simultaneously change my own.  Clearly what was actually happening was that you were struggling just as much as I was, but needed fewer reminders because your problems were not as bad.  Yep.  That's some deeply unhealthy shit I'm carrying around in my head, about how I am the biggest problem in any given situation, but you reinforced it.  I hope it was unintentionally. 

I also didn't know I had a deadline that wouldn't change no matter how much I struggled.  Does this make your perspective *wrong?*  No.  It just means that we came to Denver with different perspectives, and I didn't know that.  Had I known you were saying, "Hey, this is not a long-term relationship, because I am not interested in that kind of commitment, but please come with me to Denver," I would have said no.  I should have clarified, but it didn't even occur to me that I needed to. 

If you were interested in a long-term commitment in the same way I was, we would not be in this situation.  I've been able to decide that a long-term commitment ends when I'm in danger.  That's why I ended my marriage.  I tend to tell people that it's over the lies, but it was the knowledge that I would continue to be put at direct risk (financially, medically) because his behaviour would never change, and there was no way to accept being put at risk, except to stop having a trusting, sexual, intimate relationship with him, and that's neither a marriage nor a committed romantic partnership, that's just living with a selfish, reckless, self-destructive asshole. 

And I believed the same was true of you because you didn't tell me that your marriage ended because you cheated on your wife because, I still don't really know why, you were bored?  I accepted your story that your divorce was mutual, but understood that is was more her decision and had the impression she was just shallow.  I had to create that story because I wasn't told the truth, and wasn't told the truth until September, while you were telling me, "Oh, by the way, I broke up with you already, but I'm not going to make that official yet even though there's nothing you can do to change that, because I don't actually believe in unconditional, long-term relationships."  So, really, I should be upset with you for doing the one thing I asked you never, ever to do to me:  lie to me.  I should push you away from me and never, ever go anywhere near you ever again. 

So I feel like a crazy person because, from your perspective, how dare I still hurt and love you, and why can't I just be your friend?  But, if all these things are true, if you can lie to me, and hurt me, and demand that I change my behaviour to make our relationship more convenient for you, who the hell are you?  Are you someone I even want to be friends with?  And you keep asking for favours, and you keep asking me not to push you away, but you keep showing me behaviour that tells me that I don't know who you are, and my dude, you are not the only one who needs to see she can trust you.  I am trying, and trying, and trying, and doing so is hurting me.  That's not a great path to walk down with me, because I've learned, and I'm not going to let myself continue to hurt for someone else as easily, and certainly not knowingly. 

Because I understand that, yes, if we're going to fix this, we do need to fix it.  We need to figure out what this relationship looks like.  Because I genuinely do mean it when I say I will do anything for you, and you really, really don't.  That's unequal, and I either need to start setting boundaries, or I need to walk away, but I feel like doing either of those things makes me the bad guy.  Then I'm just like your ex-wife, who you say hates you, but whom I begin to suspect was just tired of the same thing I am, an insistence on a relationship that she was not allowed to re-build it in terms of who she discovered you are.  But I don't know that, and can't know that, because that is YOUR story that I will only ever see through your eyes.  And I am learning that you omit the truth.  Sure, everybody does, but you keep doing it in the same ways.  "I don't cheat on people!  ...Except my current girlfriend, you, and my ex-wife, I mean, yeah, I cheated on all of you."  I know we've talked about this, but I point it out again to say, "What other stories shouldn't I trust?"  Because I have trusted and stood by you through some seriously unbelievable shit, and I sometimes wonder how many other lies I've been told, and I try to trust you anyway.  Except that your actions keep saying, "Ugh, just hurry up and trust me again in spite of all evidence to the contrary." 

I am pushing you away because you need me to be someone I can't, and if this is why you broke up with me, well, why do you even WANT to be friends with me?  You've admitted you lose nothing in my friendship, you've admitted you can only have an intimate partnership with me if I'm willing to be someone you need me to be. 

But I agreed to accept you as you are, and I've agreed to do that right up until you put me at risk, so I'm still trying.  I'm not willing to say that, "Oh, all those times I've wanted to die, that's your fault," but three weeks of living in a haze of self-hatred punctuated by your demands to magically fix it all, when I keep trying to explain that I can't, and don't know how, and need time where you aren't hurting me, HURTS ME. 

I want to be completely wrong about some of this.  Please tell me how I'm wrong.  Except that I also know that I automatically assume I'm in the wrong, and I have two therapists from two different relationships telling me that I'm not wrong.  So.  I mean.  It's not looking good. 

Except that beyond all of this, I find you an intelligent, insightful, aware, kind-hearted, giving person who wants to be seen as a good person who does good and helpful things and tends to work hard to be that person.  You are so fucking cool, you know things, and you do things, and I have been so proud of the ways in which you are willing to fight for things you believe in.  That's the man I love; someone I thought I deserved, and was willing to work and live with, and who had respect for me. 

I doubt such big parts of all that, now, that I don't know how to reconcile them.  Help me.  I'm saying to you again, "Be who I think you are."  You asked me to be someone I told you from our very first date that I was not.  You're still asking me to be someone I can't be right now, and am still trying, and I'm still afraid of failing, because what secret deadline is there this time?  And all I get from you when I say, "I feel terrible about the person I cannot be for you," which is what I'm saying when I tell you I want to die, or I hate myself, or any list of things is, "What do you want from me?  You have to stop this.  I'm sorry."  And because I believe I am the problem, and because I want so very badly to accept you as you are, I don't know how to say, "I want you to be aware of your behaviour toward me, and try to change it."  Because maybe I have no right to make that request, and maybe you can't actually change, anyway.  And if you can't, then you're going to keep hurting me and we cannot have a relationship on that basis.  And, frankly, I begin to think that if you CAN change your behaviour, you could probably have changed it regarding our relationship, and, OK, yes, I want very much to try to go back and fix that, but that can NEVER happen, because here's this entire other person that I'm supposed to accept instead.  And somehow not feel replaced?  Or worse than replaced? 

I can't reconcile all this.  I'm trying to boil it down to its essence and I've got over 2700 words up there that you will never even read. 

"We're very different people," you say, but I don't think so.  I think we're very, very similar people who have one key difference: you expect people to change for you, and I try to accept people as they are.  Maybe the part that's missing is that you don't think you'll require any changes from me as a friend, but, your actions don't show that.  And I'm trying to hard to accept that.  I'm open to suggestions, but not hopeful, because I don't have any.