Until the Sun Comes Up Over Santa Monica Boulevard

On a whim, I did the math for "what would you do if you won 10,000,000" and that was fun.  Yesterday, I did the math for, "am I going to survive the next year?" and that was terrifying.

I work four "jobs."  I can make that sound noble or important or busy and I try to represent it like that to other people, but the truth of the matter is that I work 80 hours in a good month.  This is equivalent of food, gas, the utility bill, my student loan and my Internet.  Barely.  It doesn't include insurance of any kind, it won't even come near to allowing me to pay the mortgage, which is still laughably close to the rent on a one bedroom apartment with included utilities and cable.  

I allowed myself to be a dependent in my marriage.  That was a mistake.  But I didn't see it that way at the time- I thought I was building a community for myself and looking at a future where I was going to be a full time parent, and trusting the other person in my life.  All good things on paper.  But he was spending more than my entire paycheck on sex, and we were surviving.  We couldn't afford things like a second car, or a new car, or home maintenance or anything I wanted, but I was used to being poor and not spending money and not having any money, so I didn't realise where it was all going.  

This rant is courtesy of the fact that I discovered he's spending money on sex again, and, like before, it's almost exactly equal to what I made this month.  

I don't know what to do.  If I were to get a "real job," I'd have to quit everything else I do, but it would sustain me financially.  However, since I've picked up the three new jobs in the last three months, I'm loathe to do that.  I made a commitment to the work and they're all jobs I happen to like.  

I have no idea what's going to happen in a courtroom.  Both of us get screwed by choosing to divorce, and since I live in a no-fault state, the level to which I can be screwed in terms of "fair, but not equal" division is greater.  Right now, in my name, I have two wrecked cars and the title of the house, but not the mortgage, and I work 80 hours a month at four jobs.  If I lose the house, I'm screwed.  If I'm not awarded any kind of support, I'm screwed.  If I'm awarded the house and support and he doesn't pay it and I have to sue him, I'm really screwed.  

I don't know anything about health insurance.  Is it mandatory like automobile insurance, now?  

And the worst of it is, I can't tell anyone what's going on.  I offered not to tell anyone the real reasons we're divorcing, and all of them relate back to, "he spent 10,000 a year on his penis."  95% of our friends and relations don't even know we're divorcing, or that there's even a problem.  Because I spent the last two years pretending there hasn't been one, to myself, even.  

There are answers that allow me to become a responsible member of mainstream society and go about my life wishing I were dead.  I watched a friend kill his soul doing that while he was married.  I don't really want to do that single.  

There are answers that allow me to leave every part of my life behind and start over.  But they are entirely irresponsible or dependent on me being hired in another state for a full time job with benefits.

I'm so scared.