The best way to insure that I'm never, ever going to have a repeat of the procedure I've put off for my entire adult life is to chide me about it when I finally have it done.
From the nurse:
"You've never had this done?"
No.
"You're 30 years old."
Yes.
"Never?"
No.
*Huge sigh.*
From the doctor:
"And this is really the first procedure you've had?"
Yes.
"Ever?"
Yes.
"You're supposed to have them done every two to three years, it used to be every year. Never?"
No. There's a reason for that.
"OK. Well, here you go, I'll be back."
What am I supposed to do now? I thought we established I have no idea what takes place here? Thanks a lot, people.
Also, I'd love to know why they're always asking if I'm fasting. No, I'm not going to ask, they assume I know, and this is clearly the response to not knowing.
In my ideal world, medical visits would be performed by people who don't give two shits about being friendly. I don't want to talk to you about my life, or your life. I don't want a relationship. I want you to tell me what's going on, be probed as necessary, and let me go. No eye contact would be fine.
I've hated going to the doctor since I was about 14. My usual pediatrician was unavailable (probably because I was a 14 year old girl, and he was a male pediatrician, but I didn't know this at the time), and I got some woman, who went on and on about my skin.
"What facial cleanser do you use?"
Uhhhh, we buy Dial soap?
"You don't need to use anything that harsh. Daily?"
Nope.
"Every day, you should use a gentle, cleansing facial soap and then a lotion, and you should really look into anti-blemish skin cremes- anything over the counter will be fine. Create a ritual about washing your face, which will make you feel better and clear up all of that terrible irritation. You're going to have some bad scarring. Here, this is a dermatologist that you need to see, it will take care of the way you look."
Is there some disease I have?
"Oh, no! But you'll look so much better. I really recommend you go see the dermatologist."
Thanks. Thanks a lot, lady. Because I was actually not totally fucked up about the way I looked. Being told that I needed to see a special doctor to make me less ugly really helped cement what I felt about grown ups- a whole bunch of people trying to change things about me that weren't a problem, and also introduced the concept that I was possibly a very ugly child.
I told my mother there was no way in hell I was going to see a dermatologist about a cosmetic problem I didn't think I had. I honestly don't remember another doctor's visit after that, until I had a physical at 19, from a 90 year old man in a different clinic. I wasn't sexually active, so he didn't press any of the other procedures, and then I was covered by various college health care, so no true physicals until last year, when I avoided the procedure again.
They also took me to task about the flu shot. I decided not to mention that my pediatrician once told my mother he thought I could get the chicken pox again, not the shingles, the chicken pox, because I had such a light case the first time- making me ineligible for the vaccine, but not immune. I figure if I'm going through life dodging a second case of chicken pox, the flu is nothing in comparison.
Generally speaking, I'm pro-vaccine, but I worry that when we get rid of all the minor illnesses, we're going to replace them with something worse. Same reason I suspect we have so many kids with allergies- I figure one way or another, these are kids who wouldn't necessarily have survived long enough to develop their allergy. I've got no proof, but it's a thing I think. I also think Alzheimer's would be way down if more people were dying from heart attacks- they wouldn't live long enough to get Alzheimer's.
All things considered, I'd much rather die with my faculties than live long enough to fall apart.
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