Nobody Likes Me, And I Am Gonna Make Sure of It.

At 8:15 I went to the bathroom and heard a dropping noise. It had already been a not so great day, thanks to general mailaise and a real desire to kill the asshole in my head who hates me and everybody else. Dripping is unusual for my bathroom. Especially as it was coming from the tub I haven't used in a week. 

It was coming from the ceiling. It broke me. I called the maintenance people, told them what was up, said I wouldn't be there when they got there, have fun, and left. The plan was to drive until the car ran out of gas (344 milea according to the car) and then hope I'd die somewhere.  

A coyote ran across the road as I entered the mountains. 

Possibly one of the stupidest things you can do is drive strange, winding mountain roads in the dark. You'd think they'd be deserted, but the problem with mountain roads is they represent the only route. So someone who can drive that road better and faster than you is suddenly behind you and you can feel their hate. Pull-offs aren't frequent. 

Finally, I hit a stretch I'm alone, and have been alone for about ten minutes. And that's when the mule deer lunges out into the road. I stop, skidding, missing the deer. Familiar with white tail deer, I look for the others. Maybe mule deer are different, but it was just this one. When I look, I don't even see the first one anymore, but I assume she went around the bend I came from. There was a fence on the left side of the road, the drop on the right. 

Obviously, I determine I didn't want to die that badly and I should probably go home, so I did. 

Now I am, I wish the deer hadn't given me a choice in the matter. 

I'm tired of being alone and worthless and largely unnoticed. I know it's better than I think, but I don't feel it. I tried to go back to my hometown to get some stuff out of storage. My mother told me basically not to, that there was no place for me and nothing open so I'd just be unhappy. Already there, Mom.  

I'm angry other people are happy. They have direct access to people who actually care about them. I short circuit every weekend because I can't go outdoors, it's crowded with people, and I have to try to survive until I can go back to work for a few days and be reminded that I have a job, sort of. It gives me something else to think about, I guess.  

It's not a happy thought, but it's a thought. 

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to ask anyone else to give a fuck about me when I barely do. I want to shut everything out but that just makes it worse. 

The scariest thing is that I disassociate. When I run off, I get tunnel vision, I don't really feel like I'm me or care what happens to me, or why. 

I am exhausted with me. I'm sure everyone else is, too. I don't know how to apologise often enough or well enough for who I am. I want it all to stop, I just don't want to have to do it. 

Manhattan, I've Prepared For You

I always wished someone would come to New York so I could show them around. Anybody, frankly. And I currently miss it, so here's my travel itinerary for someone visiting the city for the first time.  

First of all, in spite of Thoroughly Modern Millie singing that she arrived one block south of Macy's and two south of Brooks Brothers, that's sort of impossible. Brooks Brothers has been at West 44th & Madison Ave since 1919, and Macy's has been on West 34th at Herald Square since 1902.  That's ten blocks between them.  BUT, if she's at Penn Station, Macy's is a block north, and if she's at Grand Central Station, Brooks Brothers is two blocks north.  Meaning the song knew it's creating a New York that doesn't exist, but also does. If you're entering Manhattan by train, one or the other is true depending on where she arrives, but we don't need to know. These are the things you look up when that song is in your head literally all the time.  

I arrived at the Port Authority and promptly got on the subway going the wrong way (which is not really possible in Toronto, where I'd done all my subway practice) and went an hour out of my way carrying probably 60lbs of luggage.  This is the part of New York I still don't know how to navigate.  I don't know a positive way to enter the city unless you get a ride.  That is probably the best option and damn the expense, because you're tired, and transportation is complicated unless you know where you're going, but you don't, because you just want to be done, because you're here now.  I don't think it should be a requirement to battle the MTA for entrance to the city.  It may *help* in the long term, but it's not encouraging for a shorter visit. 

So, OK, the initial trek to wherever you're staying does not count. After you're rested and prepared for New York (probably something to tackle tomorrow; if it's anywhere near sunset, discover the joys of ordering delivery in NYC, where you can have literally anything you want in less than 45 minutes for actually not all that much more than you'd expect to pay).  Tomorrow, we will tackle the MTA.  

I firmly believe the first order of business is to learn the subway.  From wherever you are, you're going to Fulton Street.  Two good reasons for this, it's not an incredibly hard station to get to, though the station itself is bewildering, and it's in lower Manhattan.  Leave the station, go see Trinity Church and the World Trade Center, the Stock Exchange, Federal Hall, Bowling Green, and the Brooklyn Bridge (or, swap these for things you actually care about, but if you don't have a special interest, hit these regardless).  Do not walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.  I know you want to.  Don't.  Whatever you think is gonna happen up there will NOT happen up there.  I promise.  Besides, if you are not a walker and you have already walked to all of the other places, you are probably about ready to die.  But you have seen New Amsterdam and Hamilton's New York and you begin to understand what the city requires from you.  While down here, if you're interested in Broadway theatre, go to the TKTS booth here.  It's the least busy location because no one knows where it is.  

If you got up early enough, it's supper time.  I don't care where you're staying, choose any famous pizza place in the city. It does not matter which one. Frankly, I never made it to any of them except Motorino, and it's not actually all that famous.  My favourite pizza in the city is Percy's, a slice place on Bleeker Street.  A note on food in NYC:  if you eat anything, you do not care where you go.  You really don't.  It's all fine.  It has to be.  If it's paying rent in the 5 boroughs, it's either a front for something, or it's good.  And if it's a front, it's still probably good.  (If you are interested in night life and drinking, you're on your own. Not my thing, dunno anything about it.) 

If the next day is a weekday, Midtown.  Bryant Park is the most convenient station, but get off at Grand Central.  You're already committed to walking, and you get to walk out of Grand Central Station.  Bryant Park, the Schwarzman Library, Drama Book Shop, Times Square, Radio City, Empire State, Chrysler Building and 30 Rock.  Rockefeller Center is pretty cool all on its own and you can see the other two from it, but it's also the most expensive (the Chrysler Building is re-opening a new Observation Deck in a few years, but, honestly, if you can't see the Chrysler Building in the skyline, what's even the point?).  If you're walking fast enough, this gives you time to figure out how to navigate the B train to Columbus Circle. This station sucks, but is necessary if you want to see Lincoln Center.  If you don't, just go all the way up to the Natural History Museum. If it's gross out, go inside. If it's nice, see Central Park. You don't have time for The Met unless you can get in free.  The Met is an entire day with paid admission.  

The next day, save for whatever weird pilgrimage brought you to New York, you've basically hit the best bits of Manhattan.  Baseball, magic, fashion, jazz, art, museums, politics, cemeteries, parks, zoos, theatre, immigration, transportation, enslavement:  name your personal interest and there is plenty to see.  

That's three days in the city.  You should have a decent handle on where you are and how to get where you're going within Manhattan.  If you were brave, you've also had dinners in Astoria and Williamsburg.  So, three out of five boroughs and no one has forced you onto an expensive bus or ferry tour.  Congratulations.  Your next visit will be weirder.  

Welcome the Blood Fairy

My laptop celebrated its 5th birthday in June.  It's lasted longer than my last relationship and roughly as many as the positive years of the relationship before that. And of course, this is the part where I mention that the screen has been struggling for a while and has gone beyond what I can reasonably tolerate.  I could try to replace it for $50, but the knowledge that the average laptop's lifespan is three years, and an awareness that the power supply will be next, followed by the internal components, it is probably more cost effective to simply replace the entire machine right now while I have available funds than to throw good money after bad for the next year.  And it's also reasonably likely that taking the screen apart to replace it would require a soldering iron and possibly the screen bezel would never go back together properly.  The reality is, I need a functioning computer more than I need furniture or decent lighting in my apartment or a second good-on-paper-but-not-in-practice project that I manage to fail like the debacle of the thrift store shelves.  

Five years ago, I paid $680 for a 2-in-1 touchscreen with a mid-range processor, mid-range RAM, more hard drive than I strictly needed, and in a brand that no longer makes consumer model laptops, which is disappointing because this is the longest lasting of the bunch. But, OK, I looked online, compared prices, scratched my head a lot, decided on a store and thought, "Maybe they have more models in store?"  I do not know when I will get it into my head that a physical store has become a useless box with a bunch of shit I don't want, and absolutely nothing I might actually need and compromise will be absolutely necessary.  But, into the store I went, assuming that, hey, it's been five years, maybe I can find something that's nearly what I had for half the price.  

Wrong.

I was confused by what I was seeing, and decided I wanted to speak to someone.  There were two couples in there, both slightly older than me, both blonde wives with their dudebros.  They were swooped down upon.  I stood there looking confused for five minutes before I was finally approached.  I'm aware that I am usually ignored by sales people, and I typically appreciate it, but it always backfires when I *actually* want one.  I dunno if I look poor or like I know what I'm doing even when I'm standing there trying to look like I have my thumb up my butt or if it's because I wasn't a dude, or what.  But I've got him now, so I asked the saleskid, "Why, when the lifespan of a laptop is 3 years, am I seeing the exact same specs for almost the same prices I saw 5 years ago when I bought the last one?"  And the kid goes, "Well, the technology is slowing." 
"And the price remains the same because?" 
"...Planned obsolescence.  I can't do anything about that-"
"No, but you admitted to it, which I appreciate."  And I did.  Unfortunately, this is about the last thing this kid gets right.  
"But I *can* offer you a support plan, in case anything happens.  This one is good for four years-" 
"My current laptop is 5 years old. If history repeats itself, that's a useless thing I've spent money on, isn't it?" 
"Yeah, but, if it doesn't-" 
"If it doesn't, would I avoid the risk by purchasing a nine hundred dollar machine?"  He's a salesperson, he's listening for dollar amounts. I can back him into a corner if I'm pretending I am willing to spend more.  
"Maybe.  This model- "  And sure enough, he points to the most expensive model on the floor, where I already know the only difference is that it has the highest end processor and twice the RAM, anything else is cosmetic except it hasn't really *got* any fancy cosmetics. It's not a touchscreen, it's not a 2-in-1, it hasn't got a fancy sound system or video card. 
"That's more than I can afford to spend.  But my point is, if I could afford that kind of money, why would I buy this machine plus the package, if I could, instead, get a higher quality piece of equipment?"  I know, he has to do his sales bit but I was in no mood for it.  I watch him deflate. "Listen, I don't have any money because it's a pandemic, and none of this was supposed to happen. I just wanted to be able to weigh my options."  I point to the model I think I'm standing in front of, the one that I'd pretty much decided was what I'd probably buy, except that here in the store, it's advertised as being $80 less, and I can tell it isn't exactly the same laptop, but I can't confirm the processor in the system details and they're showing *two* separate advertised deals next to it.  "Can you confirm that this model *is* the same as this one on your website?"  
"Y-es."  
"Then why is it $80 more online?"  
"...Sometimes it happens that way?  Of course if their price was lower, we would honour it, and if you wanted to purchase online, you could call the customer service line and request our price."  

Frankly, all I wanted to do was go in, molest the three models of computers I'd already checked out online and then walk out of the store with one of them.  I HATE buying things online, and am especially unimpressed now the mail has become ineffable.  If I have any reservations about what I'm purchasing, I want to be able to see it and touch it first.  So, no, I don't really want to do any of that.  

"OK, so, here's my question.  If this is the model, why does this one online have a ten key and this one right here doesn't?"  I know he doesn't know, I know he just works there, but he's deep into his sales pitch, so, fine, I'm gonna treat him like a salesman and it's time for him to sell me on something.
"...I don't know.  It has a ten key?" 
"Yes.  It's in the picture and listed in the specs." 

I can also see that the model I'm staring at is also not the same size as the one online.  It's a 14", not a 15".  I like a 15".  Usually it means it has a ten key, which I like, but I also prefer the slightly larger footprint.  I am suspicious that there is something else going on here, because there is no logical reason for the exact same model, with free shipping, to cost LESS online. But I'm not going to say that.  I need him to tell me.  

"Oh.  Well.  Wait.  This is *this* model."  He points to the ad pricing for a cheaper model with lower specs. I am uninterested in lower specs because the processor speed on my existing laptop was low enough.  I don't need more hard drive, I just want something that can work as fast as I can think.  
"So it's not this model that's online, but you do have that model, and this price is good, and that price is for sure for the one that has a ten key?"  
"I've never seen one, but that makes sense."  

Time out.  I keep saying kid, but this dude actually wasn't all *that* much younger than me.  He was definitely in his late 20s. He is standing in the store trying to sell me a product that he hasn't seen, which, OK, sure, they're all in boxes someplace and stock is someone else's problem, that's not that unusual.  But we are standing in the store and I am expressing doubt at what a product is and he's standing there going, "Yeah, I mean, I guess that's correct, but I'm not going to walk away and check.  I'm not going to pull something up on some piece of technology and confirm this for you.  I'm just gonna say that, sure, that seems right."  And at that moment, he starts describing their return policy.  All I wanted, dude, was for you to sell me on a thing.  All you had to do was prove to me that I can save $80 dollars in the store, right now, today, and I would have walked out the door with the thing.  And you didn't do it.  You would rather I walk out the store with something I would have to bring back the second I got it home.  Why?  

OK.  Well.  Now I'm skeptical about the cost effective model that I had kind of decided was the one I should buy.  However, in store, I also discovered that I preferred the design of my third choice.  Like the most expensive model in the store, it's a brand that I don't really trust because while their business models are impressive, the home consumer one I had lasted two years.  Unlike the laptop that lasted three years, it didn't need to be sent in several times under warranty and then slowly became a brick, it just fell apart.  But, it wasn't that much more expensive and it had slightly higher specs than the mid-range model. (My "budget" option was dismissed for being the same brand as the mid-range, but with lower specs, and the laptop itself wasn't that great. If it was going to look that cheap, it had better have decent hardware in it.)  However, if the one that looked like it was higher quality was on some kind of sale, I could very likely simply switch to that brand and walk out the door hoping it made it 2 or 3 years, because it would be more computer than one I bought five years ago and for a slightly lower price.  If it was on sale.  There's no price listed next to the model, and the only way I had been able to determine that it very likely *was* the model I was looking at online had been to check out the system specs before the saleskid finally noticed me.  

"So, tell me this.  Is this more expensive model the same as the price listed online?  There's no tag."  
"Very likely, yes."  

At this point, all I can assume is that the kid is done with me, because AGAIN, all he had to do was say, "Let me go confirm that," and I still might have weighed the two and decided, "What the hell." And I would have exited the store with a laptop that was the highest processor, same amount of RAM, a solid state drive, and since it cost less than the model I'd purchased five years prior, and I would be trusting that the rest of it held up.  But he didn't do that.  

I work in customer service.  I understand and am frequently exhausted that the entire function of the role is to solve problems for customers.  Yes, you have to solve the problems within the framework of the demands of the company, but I wasn't trying to haggle this kid.  I wasn't asking him to do anything impossible, all I was doing were expressing the doubts that separated me from buying a five to six hundred dollar piece of technology off him and walking out the door with it.  His goal should have been to answer my dang questions, and the best he could do was go, "Yeah, sure, maybe?"  

And he was clearly a computer sales kid.  That was clearly his job. He was there wearing a dress shirt and tie while the lowly retail staff were wearing polos.  I wasn't being much of a jerk.  My agenda was different from his, because I wanted to walk out the door with a laptop I was convinced would at least survive two years, twice that if I got lucky, and within the price range I was looking at.  In his, I walked out of the store as a sap who had been talked into buying a bunch of junk I didn't need and spending $1200, and all I can figure is that he checked out when it became clear that wasn't happening.  If there'd been a lot of people in the store, maybe that would have made sense, but that wasn't the case.  They had three computer customers (me and the two couples) and I was the one in the market to spend the most. The other two couples were buying cheaper models.  Even if they were talked into the security package and the warranty and Office, they'd come out nearly the same amount I was proposing to spend on just the computer. And, as I said, I wasn't interested in a slower processor speed.  

Maybe it's a situation where they actually give no fucks which computer you buy, and add-ons are the deal.  If that's where they're making their money and that's where they need to tick boxes, I guess I see his point.  I clearly wasn't interested in any of that and would have fought him, politely, until he dropped it.  But it didn't feel like that, it felt like, "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!"  

After leaving the office supply store, I went to the pharmacy. I needed to pick up my birth control. The only reason I'm taking it, at the moment, is so I don't have periods. Due to it being covered by insurance, I'm not allowed to call too soon.  I tried refilling it 5 days in advance once and that was too soon, so now I just call it in the Saturday before I'm out and pick it up on Sunday.  I tried the auto refill one month and they missed the refill date and I had to call them and make them process it manually, so I took two pills one day.  When it's just to stave off the period, this doesn't bother me that much, but if I was actively having sex, I'd be pissed about this.  I should not be more responsible than the dang pharmacy about a medication that requires you pretty much keep to the schedule if you don't wanna get pregananant.  

So, anyway, trying to pick up a prescription.  It's not there.  Apparently, they need my doctor to order the refill.  He did that.  In May.  It should have been for a year.  And I didn't hear about it until Sunday at 4pm when I tried to collect the prescription.  I still have no idea how I was supposed to know this.  "Why does this need a second refill confirmation?"  I ask.  Pharmacy Tech asks Pharmacist what to do, and Pharmacist says, "Oh, well, we contacted them yesterday, but we didn't hear back.  Um, you can call them right now and have them do it and maybe you'll have it Monday?"  "It's Sunday, this is birth control."  I stand there for bit while two dudes stare back at me.  

Things they could have offered:  "Would you like to pay out of pocket?"  ($34.99, I'm not gonna suggest it myself, but if presented with the option probably would have caved and gone for it.)  Or, my preference, "Would you like us to figure out what went wrong and make this right?"  Or hell, I dunno, maybe there were other secret options I didn't know about because I'm not in the business of successfully distributing prescriptions. And I'm extra cranky because it's BIRTH CONTROL.  It's not METH.  I'm not selling it on the black market.  I just don't want to feel like cranky, warmed over death for three or four days for funsies.  Especially not when that's kind of how I feel any given day right now anyway.  

Again, I assume they don't actually know why, but their system or my insurance created a barrier that means I could wear myself out to fix it for them, or I could just bleed this month.  I made a decision.  

I've Been Here Before

Unfriended my ex the other day.  He was being a selfish jerk, and I was done.  I feel bad about this, because when he's NOT being a selfish jerk, he's not a bad guy, and I'm going to miss him, but he's pretty well failed to be who I need or want in a friend, and I can't keep trying to get that out of him.  And since then I have felt better than I have in months.  I suspect that choosing to reject him myself has killed the feedback loop of, "Why did he do this, I must be a terrible person," because now I'm just like, "Hey, he can choose not to be an asshole sometime if he wants, and until then, I don't have to worry about shit like his opinion."  

And the timing's not bad, because now I'm back to work and actively see people.  It got real bad when I knew the only person I could interact with in person was down the fucking hall who never bothered to knock on my door.  Like.  Hey.  Maybe act like my friend?  (I couldn't do this the other way, because his girlfriend hates me, which, I mean, yeah.  Red flag, especially when I hated his damn friends and he was always hanging out with them anyway.  I didn't care about this, hang out with them, whatever.  He cared, it's one of the reasons he broke up with me.)  

The unfriending triggered when I asked how often he'd been to see his friends, because they lived about 6 blocks away.  That's when he revealed they moved a 20 minute drive away (he won't ride the bus right now, and I know he hasn't been riding his bike out there, so that means the only way he can get there is for his girlfriend to take him), and they'd been out there at least 6 times in the same amount of time I saw him once.  I live down the hall.  You can't play the, "I'm busy," card THAT often if you're gonna get your girlfriend to drive your ass across town on the regular, but even just knocking on my door to say hi when you walk past to check the mail (which I know he does EVERY DAY) is too damn hard.  

But the nail on the literal coffin that set me thinking was when he said he was worried about me because he was afraid that one day he'd walk by my door and smell my dead body.  OK.  So.  I have a studio apartment and my windows are always open because I am not running the A/C unless it hits, like, 85 in here.  (82 has been the high.)  My research indicates that a human body will start to smell after 24 hours, but in most cases, it doesn't become pungent enough for anybody to notice for at least 3 days.  And I think, due to the ventilation situation, it would probably be more like a week, or more. 

Since I'm back to work, my boss already would've sent the cops after the first day I was over an hour late to work and not responding to contact.  On top of this, I typically sent him enough texts in a day that if I went 24 hours without, that is unusual. Also, when things would get really bad, I was actively telling him what was up.  This means that, effectively, a guy who claims he's my friend 1. wouldn't notice me texting him a bunch telling him that I was not OK 2. wouldn't notice that those texts stopped and 3. probably wouldn't actually get concerned until I'd been dead for days.  Um.  Dude, I dunno what you thought saying that was gonna do, but it doesn't make you look like the concerned individual you thought it did.  

And then I responded to a meme from him with, "Hey, I'm rethinking our relationship right now, so I don't really want to talk to you, but if you want to hear what's up, when you have time, because I know you're busy, let me know."  And he said he might not respond, but he could listen. And I gave him a brief rundown.  I chose other examples, because when he texted, I was literally in a re-write of the email I was intending to send instead saying, "Hey, I want to be your friend, here are some things I'd like us to work on," and was trying to be diplomatic and also cover my bases, and he was like, "I'm busy and I don't have time to deal with any of this."  Welp.  G'bye.  This was all in the space of minutes.  I basically said, "Hey, not right now, but when you have time, here are some things I'm struggling with and I wish you would make time for our friendship."  And he said no.  How else am I supposed to respond to that?  Like, I got dumped because he decided he didn't want to give me any more time to try to compromise on stuff I was struggling with, and I got given the final notice way after he was already mentally checked out. This is why coming up on the third month of feeling like this was yet another relationship he didn't value felt like I was giving someone way more opportunities to not be an asshole when we've discussed it repeatedly than I was given warnings our relationship was ending, ehhhhhh, doesn't feel that unfair or out of the blue.  He told me I was being rash.  Dude.  Did you fucking LISTEN to the other times I said, "Hey, the way you're treating me needs to change.  Is there anything I can do?"  

But I feel really, really alone.  I used to feel lonely because I wanted to talk to someone who didn't want anything to do with me.  Now I just feel alone.  Everyone I can talk to lives hundreds of miles away, and I'm down to one person I can actually talk to, and, well, that's another person with a life, but they make an effort and I appreciate it. 

'Cause I've got nothing happening in my life.  I've got a job that I am afraid will not be able to keep me financially solvent before it has to.  I've got no way of meeting people.  I've got no interest in projects or hobbies or anything because, why?  Why do anything if it's never gonna matter?  

Someone I follow on Twitter was talking about their relationship to science fiction and their current relationship with gender and said this, "What the fuck good is a future to me if the only role I can have in it is the same constrained and diminished one that the present tries to cram me into."  And.  Yeah.  

Decrease the Surplus Population

When do I admit defeat to the government and just go around licking doorknobs?

I'm trapped in this country indefinitely.  This country where all my friends are hundreds of miles away and I have a tenuous job in an industry that doesn't exist anymore.  Unemployment runs out at the end of the month.  Allegedly I'm supposed to be back to work in some capacity after the 27th, but that's in ten days and I haven't heard anything.  A week ago I checked with my boss, who said if she heard any more, she would let me know.

So.  Best case scenario, I work from home full hours (doing who knows what, though- we can't possibly have that much to do) and lose the extra $300 a week.  Or, I'm back on partial hours and lose *more* than that.  OR, nothing changes except the additional unemployment limit runs out and I LOSE $300 every week.  Meaning that in one month I'd break even from the government support, and after that I'm fucked.

Apparently, I'm supposed to take some other job.  What other job?  What is my life worth if I have to do something else?  Everything else I'm qualified to do is shut down, so I would literally be left in this current fucking universe but add in a job that will probably make me want to kill myself, and why should I even live?

Oh, and my industry is sending out a message REAL HARD that every single thing I've ever done theatrically is too white and therefore worthless.  So.  Y'know.  In my personal life, I know, like, 15 people (aka, people I have actually spoken to in some capacity since March, the rest of you fuckers can get fucked).  All of them are white dudes except for two white women and a woman of colour.  Like, that's my personal life.  And I know HALF of them because of a dude I went to college with who popped back into my life when I moved to the same city as him.  That's it.  Those are the people I know.  TWO of them haven't worked in professional theatre.  So.  I mean, fine, fuck me.  Fuck my privilege because apparently I've had all the fucking advantages, fucking clearly.

So, that's what I want to know.  Do I have to fly to DC and just wait for the cops to murder me, or do I go to Florida and hang out on a beach and refuse treatment?  How do I tell the government they won, they've destroyed any last remaining hope I have because my life was a fucking shambles already, and then they can win and this can all be over and I can be dead?

I'm tired of being angry all the time, but I don't know how to stop it.  I'm lonely, and alone, and literally everybody else has somebody in their life who puts them first, and I have... my mother, I guess.  Who drives me fucking crazy.  And I don't really have her because oh boy, if we were ever to actually have a conversation about anything that has actually happened in my life in the last six years, I mean, I don't even know.

My friends' little dog (they have two, the big young one and the little old one) has kidney failure.  It's gonna kill him probably in the next 6 months.  They told us today and I kinda lost it.  Not at them, they're not gonna know, but, just, like, can't THEY catch a break?  And I mentioned it to my ex the vet tech because I wanted him to say, "Oh yeah, he can probably have an OK life," and I got nothing, so I was like, "Hey, can you tell me the rules for when it's OK to tell you I'm having a problem."  "Sorry, I'm busy.  No rules."

I dunno.  If I'm somebody's friend and the text me, unless I'm in actively in the shower or something seriously unusual is going on, they hear back from me right away.  I said to a friend recently, "You know if I asked you if you needed a ride and you said maybe, I would drop everything I was doing and just wait around for you to confirm you needed the ride, right, you know that?"  And he was like, "Wow, that is not how that works."  Except that it is for me.  I don't necessarily care if they do or don't need the ride, but that's how I operate- everything stops until maybe becomes yes or no, and yes means immediate action.  For whatever it is.  If I flake out on you, I know I have, and you know I have, because I've apologised several times for not having done whatever.

This is what I think friendship is.  Can you imagine what I think a committed relationship requires?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I give up.

I read all the depression advice.  There are four trends- reach out to your friends; eat well; exercise; enjoy a hobby.  Well.  Fuck.  The first one, like I said, everybody else has someone more important in their life than me and I'm asking way too much of them, so, that's as good as it's ever gonna get.  Eat well.  Fuck.  I hate eating.  I hate shopping for food, I hate cooking, it's all turned into one huge reminder that I fucked up an entire relationship because of all of this.  Same with exercise.  I can do it, but it's invariably turns me into a ball of rage and frustration.  So, yeah, great.  And the 4th.  Well.  I used to have a job that substituted, except I can't do that any more.  I can't concentrate on reading.  Everything else costs money and, well, fuck me.  So.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.  Go into fucking debt and worry about that, which would also just keep me fucked up 24-7? 

When will I ever be FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE? 

Second Moose, Same As the First

I'm not feeling extraordinarily competent in any area of my life at the moment.

I work a job where I don't get paid enough to live. Said job contributes little to the world and, who knows, may not ever actually exist ever again. I've got no motivation or interest in anything.  Maybe I used to write things? A few months ago I could at least read.

My knowledge base is useless.  I have no real job skills.  I have very little worth as a person. There are useless people. It's a fantasy to pretend anything else, and I'm one of them.

If the federal supplement to unemployment isn't extended and work doesn't re-open (which, frankly, I don't want it to), I should probably start looking for work.  What work?  I don't know.  I don't even want to go back to my actual job. 

My savings will be gone in 4 months, without the unemployment supplement.  This is not going to get better. 

People on Twitter are all simultaneously posting photos of them visiting family and friends and going, "I don't feel like celebrating," well, then, what the fuck are you doing in somebody else's backyard during a motherfucking pandemic?  Clearly you're doing something I have no capacity to do. 

I tried to escape and go camping earlier this week and was foiled at that plan because of course, what have I managed to do right in the last year?  So I spent more money for fewer days and reserved a camp site.  Maybe I'll get eaten by a bear. 

I Just Want to Know What the Rules Are

Not sure what we're "talking" about tomorrow, so here's me putting together what I'd like to say to him, and trying to boil it down to its essence. 

Things I Was Told At One Point
"I won't be with anyone while you live here." 
"I'm with people."  (LESS THAN ONE MONTH LATER.)
"I'm not serious about her." (WHILE SLEEPING WITH ME.)
 "It might be serious.  I'm not sure.  I'll let you know."  (WHILE SLEEPING WITH ME.)
"I'm living alone for a year."
"She's here a lot."  (LESS THAN ONE MONTH AFTER I MOVE OUT.)
"She should probably pay rent." (DEFINITELY LESS THAN ONE YEAR LATER.)
"She and I need to talk about her moving in with me."  (STILL CONSIDERABLY LESS THAN ONE YEAR LATER.) 

The story keeps changing.  Sure, I get it, you are a spontaneous, reactive lover, absolutely.  Which we talked about when I explained to you that I made this request not to get into another relationship partly so you WOULDN'T jump straight into another serious relationship that couldn't actually possibly be serious. 

Now, do I have any real right to make any demands on you at this point?  No.  I'm only pointing out how fast that timeline changed, and that every single change hurts me all over again.  I don't feel that I meant very much to you if you can set these boundaries and break them so quickly.  I can't believe what you SAY, because your actions do not align with what you say.  Stop saying things you can't back with action if you're only saying them to not hurt me.  Your actions hurt me.  Repeatedly.  Over and over again. 

In less a year, you've been living with someone for three months, and I'm supposed to, basically, move on from my feelings about all of that, and also accept her unconditionally.  That is a lot, and I have NEVER done this before.  EVER.  I spent three years getting over a marriage *I* ended and my next relationship was YOU.  I care for you and our relationship exponentially more than I did for that ten year marriage and nearly 15 year relationship.  Do you get that?  Do you understand how very, very badly I hurt?  And the list of things I'm supposed to just... ignore because hey, you don't love me, you love this other chick now, and ugh, sorry, what are you supposed to do, can't I just get over it?  Well.  Sure.  I can understand that request to make your life easier, and that you didn't ask for this, but I can't deal with my pain right now. 

I don't have the TIME to deal with my pain, because you also keep saying that I need to accept you, I need to accept her, don't push you away, don't push you away.  Dude.  Every single time I see you, I am hurt again.  I don't know if it's necessarily fair to say that you hurt me as an action on purpose, but I am passively hurt by the disconnect between where I am and where you are.  Every single time.  And yes, it's worse right now because I am ENTIRELY isolated.  I don't leave the house more than about once or twice a week, I see no other people I know in person apart from you.  That's reality, and clearly, I cannot deal with it.  I do not know how, but I am trying.  And guess what?  NOBODY knows how to deal with this, because this shit is UNPRECEDENTED.  But don't push you away, pretend a friendship can be forged on this uneven ground, and most of all, get over it. 

I accept that you did not ask for this situation, but I have told you before, "You have no say in how long it takes me to process my own pain."  If this is another situation where you are incapable of accepting me where I am, maybe you don't need to be my friend.  You like to tell me that you don't need me nearly as much as I need you, and this is one of the reasons I was so furious about the testing.  You demanded my help, you refused to take my advice, then you freaked out and refused to solve your own problem and I had to offer to do something that I HATE in order to get you to stop sending me paranoid texts.  I've loaned you my car, I sent you the information on the insurance so you could rent a car on your trip multiple times, I drove you to the fucking hospital when you got fucking rabies.  I agreed to wake up to drive you to work so I could have my own car and not inconvenience your girlfriend because she doesn't like to wake up early on a Saturday.  I am not only actively trying to be your friend, I am inadvertently allowing myself to be your fucking doormat to show you, YET AGAIN, how hard I am TRYING to be who you need me to be. 

So, OK.  Be your friend.  What do I need to do to do that?  I have to completely re-think who I think you are as a human being in light of all this.  Because my understanding of our relationship was that you were someone I was willing to be with, and to work with, and to accept, but you decided you were over me and waited months to tell me.  And then I had to ask YOU if this relationship was actually over, or if we were dragging it out to the end of the lease, and you were like, "Yeah, it's over," meaning that by the time you told me in September that things needed to change, or else, you were already done thinking they could.  So for you, yeah, if you've been over me since early 2019, what the fuck is wrong with me?  I can sort of see that perspective even though I do not understand it.  Except, well, you didn't TELL me.  You said, "Please change this behaviour," and watched me struggle and struggle and made every single time we left the house to do something important to you anxiety inducing because I didn't understand HOW I would be wrong, only that I ABSOLUTELY would, but, OK, try, try, try to be someone I don't even understand how to be, and you never said, "By the way, my love and regard for you is conditional on this list of your shortcomings being gotten over right the fuck now." 

While this was happening, I was also going, "OK, I won't talk about how much it upsets me that I have to pick his drunk ass up and let him throw up all the way home and pass out in the bathroom, I won't talk about how much time he spends at the bar, I won't talk about how much I wish he was on medication or in therapy, I won't mention how badly I wish he would be transparent about his tobacco use, because unlike me, he cannot change those.  He said he can't, because circumstances make it impossible right now.  I accept that, I can wait.  I have to keep trying to change right now, and this hurts, but maybe seeing my hurt will help him realise that he could probably just compromise, since he can't work on himself and I've made that compromise.  Maybe." 

Now.  OK.  Yes, I should have taken a good, long hard look at this and said to myself, "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?"  But I didn't.  Because I thought I was in a mutually supportive, unconditional situation and therefore you couldn't actually be asking me to tolerate your bad behaviour and simultaneously change my own.  Clearly what was actually happening was that you were struggling just as much as I was, but needed fewer reminders because your problems were not as bad.  Yep.  That's some deeply unhealthy shit I'm carrying around in my head, about how I am the biggest problem in any given situation, but you reinforced it.  I hope it was unintentionally. 

I also didn't know I had a deadline that wouldn't change no matter how much I struggled.  Does this make your perspective *wrong?*  No.  It just means that we came to Denver with different perspectives, and I didn't know that.  Had I known you were saying, "Hey, this is not a long-term relationship, because I am not interested in that kind of commitment, but please come with me to Denver," I would have said no.  I should have clarified, but it didn't even occur to me that I needed to. 

If you were interested in a long-term commitment in the same way I was, we would not be in this situation.  I've been able to decide that a long-term commitment ends when I'm in danger.  That's why I ended my marriage.  I tend to tell people that it's over the lies, but it was the knowledge that I would continue to be put at direct risk (financially, medically) because his behaviour would never change, and there was no way to accept being put at risk, except to stop having a trusting, sexual, intimate relationship with him, and that's neither a marriage nor a committed romantic partnership, that's just living with a selfish, reckless, self-destructive asshole. 

And I believed the same was true of you because you didn't tell me that your marriage ended because you cheated on your wife because, I still don't really know why, you were bored?  I accepted your story that your divorce was mutual, but understood that is was more her decision and had the impression she was just shallow.  I had to create that story because I wasn't told the truth, and wasn't told the truth until September, while you were telling me, "Oh, by the way, I broke up with you already, but I'm not going to make that official yet even though there's nothing you can do to change that, because I don't actually believe in unconditional, long-term relationships."  So, really, I should be upset with you for doing the one thing I asked you never, ever to do to me:  lie to me.  I should push you away from me and never, ever go anywhere near you ever again. 

So I feel like a crazy person because, from your perspective, how dare I still hurt and love you, and why can't I just be your friend?  But, if all these things are true, if you can lie to me, and hurt me, and demand that I change my behaviour to make our relationship more convenient for you, who the hell are you?  Are you someone I even want to be friends with?  And you keep asking for favours, and you keep asking me not to push you away, but you keep showing me behaviour that tells me that I don't know who you are, and my dude, you are not the only one who needs to see she can trust you.  I am trying, and trying, and trying, and doing so is hurting me.  That's not a great path to walk down with me, because I've learned, and I'm not going to let myself continue to hurt for someone else as easily, and certainly not knowingly. 

Because I understand that, yes, if we're going to fix this, we do need to fix it.  We need to figure out what this relationship looks like.  Because I genuinely do mean it when I say I will do anything for you, and you really, really don't.  That's unequal, and I either need to start setting boundaries, or I need to walk away, but I feel like doing either of those things makes me the bad guy.  Then I'm just like your ex-wife, who you say hates you, but whom I begin to suspect was just tired of the same thing I am, an insistence on a relationship that she was not allowed to re-build it in terms of who she discovered you are.  But I don't know that, and can't know that, because that is YOUR story that I will only ever see through your eyes.  And I am learning that you omit the truth.  Sure, everybody does, but you keep doing it in the same ways.  "I don't cheat on people!  ...Except my current girlfriend, you, and my ex-wife, I mean, yeah, I cheated on all of you."  I know we've talked about this, but I point it out again to say, "What other stories shouldn't I trust?"  Because I have trusted and stood by you through some seriously unbelievable shit, and I sometimes wonder how many other lies I've been told, and I try to trust you anyway.  Except that your actions keep saying, "Ugh, just hurry up and trust me again in spite of all evidence to the contrary." 

I am pushing you away because you need me to be someone I can't, and if this is why you broke up with me, well, why do you even WANT to be friends with me?  You've admitted you lose nothing in my friendship, you've admitted you can only have an intimate partnership with me if I'm willing to be someone you need me to be. 

But I agreed to accept you as you are, and I've agreed to do that right up until you put me at risk, so I'm still trying.  I'm not willing to say that, "Oh, all those times I've wanted to die, that's your fault," but three weeks of living in a haze of self-hatred punctuated by your demands to magically fix it all, when I keep trying to explain that I can't, and don't know how, and need time where you aren't hurting me, HURTS ME. 

I want to be completely wrong about some of this.  Please tell me how I'm wrong.  Except that I also know that I automatically assume I'm in the wrong, and I have two therapists from two different relationships telling me that I'm not wrong.  So.  I mean.  It's not looking good. 

Except that beyond all of this, I find you an intelligent, insightful, aware, kind-hearted, giving person who wants to be seen as a good person who does good and helpful things and tends to work hard to be that person.  You are so fucking cool, you know things, and you do things, and I have been so proud of the ways in which you are willing to fight for things you believe in.  That's the man I love; someone I thought I deserved, and was willing to work and live with, and who had respect for me. 

I doubt such big parts of all that, now, that I don't know how to reconcile them.  Help me.  I'm saying to you again, "Be who I think you are."  You asked me to be someone I told you from our very first date that I was not.  You're still asking me to be someone I can't be right now, and am still trying, and I'm still afraid of failing, because what secret deadline is there this time?  And all I get from you when I say, "I feel terrible about the person I cannot be for you," which is what I'm saying when I tell you I want to die, or I hate myself, or any list of things is, "What do you want from me?  You have to stop this.  I'm sorry."  And because I believe I am the problem, and because I want so very badly to accept you as you are, I don't know how to say, "I want you to be aware of your behaviour toward me, and try to change it."  Because maybe I have no right to make that request, and maybe you can't actually change, anyway.  And if you can't, then you're going to keep hurting me and we cannot have a relationship on that basis.  And, frankly, I begin to think that if you CAN change your behaviour, you could probably have changed it regarding our relationship, and, OK, yes, I want very much to try to go back and fix that, but that can NEVER happen, because here's this entire other person that I'm supposed to accept instead.  And somehow not feel replaced?  Or worse than replaced? 

I can't reconcile all this.  I'm trying to boil it down to its essence and I've got over 2700 words up there that you will never even read. 

"We're very different people," you say, but I don't think so.  I think we're very, very similar people who have one key difference: you expect people to change for you, and I try to accept people as they are.  Maybe the part that's missing is that you don't think you'll require any changes from me as a friend, but, your actions don't show that.  And I'm trying to hard to accept that.  I'm open to suggestions, but not hopeful, because I don't have any. 

Fairies, skip hence!

It's been...  a bad month. 

I've known since the beginning exactly what the problem was. 

My ex, who lives down the hall, had been borrowing my car to get to work.  I didn't mind until I discovered he'd stopped asking.  For a while, he'd been using it when he couldn't get a ride otherwise, and then he just started not asking for rides and taking the car.  I was like, "Hey, I don't mind, because I don't go anywhere but the grocery store, but ask, so I don't wake up three or four hours after you leave, make plans and then discover fuck me?"  And then he stopped by because I needed to borrow his electric drill and while we were talking said, "So, I haven't ridden my bike all the way both ways, I'm going to put it in the car, drive up, bike home and then bike back." 

"So, you're going to take MY car and leave it in a parking lot in 30 miles away, overnight?  THINK about what you're proposing without asking me, there, OK?" 

He didn't do it, but this was right after, "Please drop everything and listen to my paranoid need for you to Google something," and, "OK, I refused to take your advice on the Googling, please drop everything and help me again."  And I did.  So I finally told him, "Listen, here are my keys, I am in danger of fucking off without telling you, which is not fair.  You can use the car however you need until your last day, whatever.  I'll get the keys and some other stuff back from you before your trip." 

Other things I do as his friend, my apartment's closer to the laundry room where people leave things, and any time I see something he might want, I let him know.  He mentioned once that he wanted to learn knitting, and when I saw a bunch of knitting stuff in there, I thought about taking it, but thought, nah, I'll let him have it and then I can teach him, we can have a thing.  ...He took it, but refuses to let me know what was in the bag or to teach him.  Presumably his girlfriend knows how, or he just took it and it's sitting there.  But now I wish I'd just taken it for myself.  Other little things like that- when it rains and I know he isn't home, I ask if he needs windows closed (because in that apartment, the rain will come in on the side where his stereo is), because I kept a key to his place (and he has a key to mine).  He hasn't needed me to do this, but I offer.  I offer, I offer, I offer. 

Yes, I recognise that pattern.  And I was beginning to recognise that it was only running one direction.  Seriously, that's been his contribution to whatever this relationship is since I moved out of his place.  I ask to borrow things and he loans them to me, and sometimes he does me the decency of talking for 45 minutes, but generally only when he wants to tell me all the food he makes now, as though he couldn't have done that shit when I lived there.  Which I keep telling him.  "If you wanted a pie, *nothing* was stopping you from making yourself a damn pie. You don't need to act like I'm missing out on the pie, because what I am actually upset about is that you clearly prefer the pie to me."  Actual thing I've said, but he thought I was kidding.  No, my dude, it hurts.  Stop it. 

I think the problem is that, as a diabetic, he can't excuse making an entire pie for himself, so making food for others is his way around it, but, I don't know.  It was A Problem.  His problem, but it became mine.  I keep doing this, winding up in relationships with people who expect all the compromise on my side.  I'm admittedly extremely stubborn, but the problem is that my inability to compromise is highlighted because I don't tend to bring make these kind of demands myself.  You have a lot of bad behaviours?  Me too.  I will agree to endure yours without mentioning it.  Oh, this is not a two way street?  Great.  OK.  I've also told him, "I agreed to endure mild substance abuse, un-medicated depression and everything that brings, but I'm just too horrible to live with.  Got it."  He was sorry.  *shrug*  Shallow dude, this is how I do, you can do the same thing.  But, nope.  So, here we are. 

Should I probably learn that this shit isn't healthy and I shouldn't tolerate it?  Maybe, but I'm also sort of living in a perception that this is the best I can do because I am *impossible* to live with due to the way I eat, my stubbornness, my introversion, and my aversion to cleaning up after someone who isn't me.  (I was going to say my tendency to be a total slob, except my place is spotless.  I've been here three months, and am remembering how my NYC roommates grossed me out.  I think possibly the answer to my difficulties with cleaning is that I am very, very easily overwhelmed by cleaning a large mess, and on my own will take care not to make a bigger mess than I am willing to clean up immediately.) 

So, the day I borrow the drill, he gets it back and asks to borrow my rolling pin.  Sure.  I take it down to his place and I'm explaining that it probably needs some hot water run over the one side, because it's got some flour in there and it's stuck, but I hadn't bothered about it because it rolls just fine otherwise and should work for his purposes because plenty of rolling pins are just solid, anyway.  And I see someone come down the hall out of the corner of my eye.  I think it must be the girl who lives across from him, and move in so she can get by. 

Nope.  It's his girlfriend, who, still not saying a fucking WORD, moves between me and him and pushes him into the apartment.  That happened.  I leave.  She's clearly still mad at me for sleeping with him and telling him he needs to confess this to her if he honestly expects me to be her friend.  This was our problem before, I was expected to just accept this girl and be friends with her for his sake, and I was like, "You want me to keep your secrets and pretend to be her friend, as though that shit won't blow up in *both* our faces?  Sorry, no.  I told you when I was sleeping with you that your secrets were your problem, not mine.  They still aren't."  And to his credit, he did the right thing, but she hates me.  She's fucking him and living rent free with him (she still has her own place, with cats and a roommate, whatever), so she's mad at me.  Whatever.  I leave. 

And I think back over this pattern of, "I want to be your friend," but his girlfriend hates me, so my time is relegated to expressly the occasional weekday he's home and she's at work, and even then our interaction is me being a friend and him being an asshole.  I start throwing out sarcastic statements, "Hey, anything else of mine you need?  Why don't you keep the rolling pin, and the car, and hey, why not ask your girlfriend if she wants any of my stuff, you've got my spare key, just let me know and you guys can both come by and just pick out whatever you want." 

This was probably not the way to proceed, but, well, I am not a perfect human, and I definitely thought this was getting the point across. When it didn't, I just got worse and worse and started adding more shit to the list and sitting on this nasty pile of, "I am a garbage person." 

He was supposed to go to his hometown this week, as he's between jobs.  He didn't.  I think he realised that flying while immunocompromised was as stupid as I'd warned him.  He's been getting special accommodation at work, and I keep reminding him, "If people are mad at you for demanding to be protected, and you insist that these things, in fact, are necessary to keep you alive [I don't doubt they are necessary, but I think he chooses when they are necessary and when he can make exceptions], then, you have no business going to a protest/to that bar/on a motherfucking airplane."  I don't know if what I said made any difference or if it was something else; don't know, don't really care, but this was the deadline to get my car keys back, get a couple of other boxes of stuff in a closet he'd promised to clean out before he went on his trip and end this bullshit entirely. 

So when he texted to say, "I'm not going on my trip, I have your keys," it happened that I was out at the time, so was like, "Give me 20 minutes."  "It needs to be now, I'm leaving for a while." 

That was the text.  The expectation was, at 11am (when by habit I guess he'd been up for two hours), I could just drop everything and come down the hall the minute he said so he could leave.  Now, yes, I DO have a habit of doing this for everyone.  "Can you come pick me up?" means, "I will drop everything and be there in the time Google says it takes plus about 3 minutes," where for other people it seems to mean, "Yeah, let me finish watching this movie I just started and I'll get there when I get there," but he DOES NOT, so this is a little bit of a jerk move.  But he agrees to wait for me.  When I get there, he can't find my keys.  He can't remember where he put them.  So, I needed to be there right then so he could walk out the door and he wasn't even prepared?  "What about the other stuff?"  "Oh, what is it?"  "At this point, I don't even know.  Everything in the sound closet."  (I had been mad about that since he moved in.  We had a lovely big coat closet that he filled with guitars and sound equipment that definitely could have gone someplace else, or been better arranged, and while I tried to also use it for its intended purpose, he made a disaster out of it and never fixed it, so it got the place I did not open that closet.  He promised he would clean his place and take care of it and get me my stuff before his trip.  So he pulls open the closet and dumps a box on the floor. 

"Never mind.  Forget it, you have things to do, whatever, forget it.  I don't even know what's in there, keep it.  Have a nice life." And I leave.  Because, seriously? It's not like this was just shit I said and didn't mean; I meant it, he agreed to it and he's doing... whatever this is, right now. 

And now he's mad.  What's wrong with me, why am I pushing him away?  "Go on your bike ride, we can talk when you get back, I've been awake for over 24 hours and this is not the time." 

I do fall asleep, but hear nothing from him.  I wake up about 4, and ask if we can talk about this, or will his girlfriend be home in an hour so we have to talk later?  He tries to tell me I'm wrong about her opinion of me, and I relay the rolling pin story.  And say, "Listen, you broke up with me because your friends were more important to you than your partner.  Now your partner is more important to you than me, your friend.  What am I supposed to take away from a two year relationship and this information?  I am worthless unless you want something.  Can you understand why maybe I want to put some distance between myself and THAT?  I don't know what kind of friendship this is supposed to be."  And now his girlfriend is definitely home and I hear nothing back. 

Then I go out to the car to go to the grocery store for the first time in two weeks and I decide to check the trunk.  Yeah, I could've left it, but I needed to check it, because opening the trunk would either make me feel like I was being too hard on him, or it would prove that I'm pretty spot on about the whole situation. 

Sure enough.  He had a bunch of dog stuff he'd borrowed from work when he and I tried fostering a dog (I was supposed to foster him, but the dog was... a mess, basically.  He needed to be a farm dog who runs around and barks when the cars drive up and not a pet.), and I'd asked him to remember to please get that stuff out of my trunk and return it to work before he quit.  He agreed, and I said no more about it because that's how I do.  I dislike gentle reminders and nagging reminders because I have plenty of reminders in my own head, and more contributes to heavy guilt.  I don't need that, so I don't do it to other people all that often.  I text him, "Hey, so, all this dog stuff is still in the trunk.  I don't want to be a bitch about it, because I know I only mentioned it the once and I'm sure you genuinely did just forget, but it's things like this that really contribute to, 'you are not important.'  If I'm being a crazy person about this, it's absolutely fair of you to say I am.  Am I being a crazy person?"  "No."  And nothing more. 

So this morning, "Do you have anything else to say, or can we not have a conversation until your girlfriend goes back to work?"  He says there's a lot to discuss and we should do that when it's convenient for both of us.  "I've asked you now several times to identify when that is."  (When he came back from his ride and refused to talk to me for two hours, when I reached out to him and he refused to talk to me, and then now.)  "Monday works best for me."  "So, yes, when your girlfriend goes back to work.  OK.  I will let you know when I am awake on Monday and we can negotiate from there." 

Now, I didn't want him to say, "Go home, girlfriend, I have to deal with my pissed off ex-girlfriend because I'm a selfish asshole," but I don't think it's unreasonable, since she practically lives there anyway, for him to say, "Hey, entertain yourself for a couple hours, my ex is having a bad time and I'm going to go talk with her."  And he won't do that. 

I'm aware that, like this, the relationship won't work.  It can't.  But I think I'm justified in mostly not being in the wrong.  I'm willing to hear how it's unfair of me to have expectations that I be first in his life, I don't actually want that, I just want to point out how badly I've been treated in this situation.  Figure out what you want, my dude, and do that.  If you want to be my friend, please actually be my friend.  When he started the friend song and dance, before I moved out and before he went back to sleeping with me (which started because I was like, "Hey, I don't think I can have communal experiences of any kind with you," initially, and then he explained that he wasn't trying to excise me from his life), I had said, "I don't know how that works, since friendship involves sharing social experiences -going out and eating together- and you've made it clear that's the one thing we can't do."  The part of our relationship that was actually very good was our ability to be there emotionally and physically for each other.  We had a very good sexual relationship, and when he wasn't needing me to eat stuff and hang out with his awful friends, we had a really good relationship, he was intelligent, reliable, liked a lot of the things I liked, shared a lot of my opinions, and was supportive of me in a lot of ways.  And this is still what he wants, he wants me to solve his problems and support him and in exchange, I get to.... do those things for him?  I've had to say to him pretty frequently, "Have you talked about this with your girlfriend?  You should talk about this with your girlfriend.  That's not my role now."  I learned this from my best friend, who once did a very, very stupid thing when he and his wife were living in different countries, and he didn't talk to me for weeks because he also wasn't telling HER about the stupid thing he'd done.  Always tell your partner first, I learned. 

Way back, very early on, his best friend told me that she needed to set boundaries for him, because he had no ability to respect them unless she enforced them steadfastly.  I didn't understand this, at the time.  I do now.  This is what she means:  he only takes in a relationship.  Meaning, yep, he only calls her when he needs something.  I can see it, now, because the things he's willing to give in a partnership have been removed, and this is what's left.  And he thinks this is equal because he believes he would do the same, so, that's fair, right?  It's exactly what I told him when he said he'd do anything to for me, "No, with you, there are limits."  I don't have those limits.  I probably should. 

This means that I actually do need to be careful if I do want to be friends with him.  Because I can't say, "We need to establish the boundaries of this friendship," except that we do.  And I think I'm probably equally guilty of not really knowing how to navigate this.  I don't even have a history of being dumped, because I was the one who finally had to extricate myself from my marriage.  I don't know how this is supposed to work, and I already know he's not the one to teach me because he went from, "I don't want to hurt you," to, "Well, I'm fucking this girl, but it's not serious, because I'm sleeping with you," to, "I mean, this might be serious, but I'm still fucking you, but I'm going to live alone for a year" to, "Well, I guess this is serious, she practically lives here now and she should probably start paying rent, why can't you be friends with her!?  Why aren't you over this yet?!" to, "OK, I told her about how I was sleeping with you, and she hates you," to, "She doesn't hate you!  What is your problem?" 

Hey, maybe because you told me for two years that you wanted to be with me, and were perfectly happy to keep fucking me, and in less than 6 months you're basically married to this chick, and you kept so much distance between you and me right up until you needed to move to Denver and realised you couldn't afford it on your own.  So, yeah, the inequality of our relationship, and the trust I put into you when I clearly shouldn't have believed a WORD of long-term commitment that came out of your mouth, that's a little hard to deal with, and you do NOT get to tell me how quickly I'm supposed to process this, because it feels like you were basically done with me in 24 hours, except when you had the opportunity to get your dick wet, and how much did I let you take advantage of me, and how the fuck does one build a friendship around that? 

Some of that I've said to him.  And the fact of the matter is, this isn't the first time we've had the, "Hey, if you're going to be my friend, maybe actually BE my friend?"  conversation. 

I dunno what Monday brings.  I want to be in the wrong about some of this, namely because in my previous relationship, I wasn't wrong at all and a therapist echoed that, and when I went to the therapist this time for myself, she basically said the same thing, that I was on the correct track and had the right impulses.  This is hard for me to believe because I get the impression from my partners that I am asking too much, that I am too stubborn, that I am too demanding, and I have no right to be upset about anything. 

I am willing to believe that I'm expecting too much from a friendship, because of my relationship with my best friend.  That guy is unwaveringly there for me when I need somebody, and he needs it less these days but I'd do the same, and I know I need to actively be a better, more present, friend to him (though that's currently limited by a closed international border, and a global pandemic), but if I'm going to have a "friend" that's my expectation of the relationship.  For the most part, the folks I play D&D with are people I'm friends with, but in the sense of, "Hey, we hang out together and I would totally help you move, and I'll detail you on my life on a need-to-know-basis, and you'll be supportive, but, that's where it ends."  And that's fine, that's an OK level to have a friend at.  But I don't know if it's possible for me to have that kind of relationship with someone I have had a much deeper relationship with.  Like, if I have to passively convince you that sinking the boat is not sinking the play and we have an entire cast whose morale we cannot also sink right now and feel free to lose your shit later, but now is not the time because you're the leadership and I'm just disaster management, we're not going back to, "Oh, hi, gee, I was wondering if you could help me move?"  Like, there's no question there, that's, "So, I'm moving on Friday and would you be willing to help me do the ten hour drive?" friendship.  Yes.  I will take off work and offer to pick up the truck for you.  Same thing for, I was there for you when you wanted to kill yourself when you got fired from your stupid job, and I have stood by you through every single disaster in the last two years, encouraged you, loved you, and supported you regardless of the situation and your reaction to it, we're not going to the occasional phone call and trip to the movies.  You're either in my life, or you get the fuck out.  Which is why I have basically no contact with my ex-husband.  He was a dick, and had many, many chances to deserve a place in my life and decided he couldn't do that.  So.  No.  G'bye. 

And I think this is going down the same path.  And I think that specifically because of his relationship with his ex-wife.  He thinks she hates him, and maybe she does, but I think possibly she was asking for the same thing, if you're going to say you want to be my friend, be my friend.  Don't just show up when you want to see the dog. 

...That totally is the pattern.  He doesn't recognise that this isn't friendship because his friends are all terrible and aren't in his life unless they want something from him. He only hears from one of his friends when he wants someone to record something.  His friends who moved here in January only wanted him to DJ his wedding and they were all going to go to Jazz Fest together, and he got entirely burned by agreeing to pay for most of it and letting them pay him back.  To my knowledge, they haven't, but I moved out before the tail end of that problem.  And because he's fundamentally the same as me in that respect, "You need something, absolutely I will be there and do that thing," he thinks that's being a friend.  Dude.  I don't need to use you.  I want to have a relationship with you.  I want you to come over and hang out for a couple hours because you want to see me.  I can't do that with you right now because your girlfriend takes precedence.  If she hates me, fine.  But we can still have a relationship... if you're willing to have one, and I don't see that on your end. 

*shrug*  Well.  What have we learned?  We've learned that I need to address my shit with the person I am having the shit with.  This is why therapy is never gonna work with me, because I have the ability to rationalise whatever to someone else so that it doesn't effect me, but if I'm not doing that with the person I'm having the problem with, nothing actually changes.  Especially in this particular case where my inadequacy immediately appears to be the problem, and it magnifies all my private fears on that score. 

Huh. 

I don't know how to be friends with his girlfriend.  I've told him before I don't want to be invited over to his place to meet her, and I also don't want to invite her over here.  I don't want to have to go back to the place I used to live to meet this girl who hates me, and I don't want to have to invite somebody who hates me to my place.  If restaurants were open, we could do that, but, nope, pandemic.  And I just think of the one time we ran into his ex-wife.  I'd literally spent the night at his place the first time the night before, and we're standing in line, me in front, him behind, and his ex comes in and stands behind him in line and after a few seconds it becomes clear that he's pretending I don't exist, and so I don't.  Frankly, I didn't want to meet her right then, either, but I wouldn't have cared if he wanted to introduce me later.  I don't know if she would've, either.  No idea.  But I think that his only other friend who is an ex is now a lesbian and half the time he's mad at her because she sets boundaries because she won't drop everything and take care of his problems. 

So.  There.  If I want to be this guy's friend.  Do I want to be this guy's friend?  Maybe?  I mean, yes, I would like to.  I would also accept friends with benefits or girlfriend, though, let's not be wholly opaque about how I still feel about the dude.  Don't care.  Not over him.  But if I want to be his friend, I've gotta somehow figure out how to explain exactly what kind of friendship I want and what that entails, without saying, "Hey, your ex-wife, your best friend?  I think they have been pissed off about EXACTLY the same thing I'm experiencing now.  I already had to point out this serial cheating and ignoring the fact that happened that you're real good at, have you recognised this one, too, and what are you going to DO about it?" 

Because I want somebody I can call up and say, "Hey, I want to do whatever, and I would like to not do that alone."  I want to send him videos of pandas, and see stuff he likes at the store on sale and drop them by his place because he wants them.  I want him to drop by and play Trivial Pursuit and tell me stuff happening in his life.  I want him to remember I exist beyond the ways I can fulfill specific desires for HIM.  He once told me that he thought it wasn't fair that anything I proposed they do, he always enjoyed, and the same wasn't true for him, and that wasn't fair.  I immediately said, "You didn't know that every single thing I proposed was curated specifically for your enjoyment?" 

And that's still the difference.  His role has always been to look out for him, and to have people who support him, which I get, because he hasn't always had that.  But I do the opposite, in every single case.  I asked him once if he wanted to play D&D with my friends, he said no.  I invited him once to meet my friends, and he said no, so I made it my goal to make sure that my D&D wouldn't interfere with him. I refused to play on his days off, and still, he acted like the one thing I was doing with my friends was a problem for him, but if he decided just not to come home from work and go hang out at the bar, I didn't need to be told and asking whether we were having dinner, or what, was a problem. 

Let me reiterate that I have had two romantic relationships.  This one, with the above imbalance that I can see is an imbalance when I read it, is the better of the two because the sexual infidelity was confessed to me after a few weeks and then stopped.  Yes, he also cheated on me, told lies of omission and gave me a LOT of shit for the things I chose to do, and the things I refused to do, but he was eventually honest with me and occasionally made active strides to change his behaviour when it hurt me enough. 

Sigh.  All of this has left me with a conviction that this is the best I can do.  Maybe it isn't, but it still feels like I could have kept my marriage if I had chosen to be OK with deception, and this relationship would have been OK if I had chosen to pretend much harder to be someone I'm not.  That if I'd made a fundamental change in who I am, I could have continued in these relationships, and since I couldn't do that, I'm the problem. 

This feels wrong, but it's how they ended.  "I'm sorry, ex-husband, I cannot adjust to your requirements," and "I'm sorry, girlfriend, you can't be with me because you can't adjust to my requirements."  If I can't manage this, how could I possibly be with someone with fewer problems?  They won't just accept all the things wrong with me as easily, because they'll be better people. 

I have a feeling this is not a good or healthy way of thinking.  But hey, I've spent the last three weeks wishing I was dead, so, maybe a step up? 

A Modest Proposal

Denver has a statue in the City Beautiful-era government park that looks like DaVinci's Vitruvian Man.  I always assumed that's what it was, never read the plaque, but suddenly, the Denver activists on Twitter were all, "It's Columbus, let's go pull the fucker down!" and I was like, "What?"  Turns out, yes, the plaque says it's called Columbus, and I was like, "Do we have to pull it down, can't we just re-name it what it very clearly IS?"  

That's when the young black dude on the school board who has been behind a lot of the activism went and started doing research.  Today he says, "Nope, it's actually the Vitruvian Man, it was always *supposed* to be the Vitruvian Man, and Denver Parks and Rec needs to remove the tribute to Columbus."  Yes, yes they do.  And all the literature in this statue's future needs to talk about how that was allowed to happen in the first damn place.  

If they'd just pulled it down, nothing gets communicated, nothing gets learned, nothing changes.  What we need to know is how the FUCK this statue that has fuck-all to do with Christopher Columbus got given his name, and why that was OK at the time, and how long it's been that way, because I am willing to bet nobody who initially put it up in the 1970s was putting up a statue to Columbus.  I'm waiting on the school board guy to fill in a few details, because I may be wrong, but in the midst of so much, "NOPE, it is automatically wrong and bad and needs to come down," I determined it wasn't worth my trying to Google it myself. 

But.  OK.  I can learn and change and grow as a human.  Tear down all the statues, all the memorials, all the references to human achievement in all of Colorado.  Replace them with dinosaurs.  The dinosaurs were here first, and, as far as geologic time is concerned, they were here LONGER.  

Benefits of Membership

I have memberships to both the local zoo and the science museum.  They're next door to each other, and probably have a lot of visitor crossover, but have no other interaction (would it be so hard to offer a dual membership, guys, seriously?) so the comparisons are inevitable.  Both recently re-opened with timed entry, advance admission purchases only and special pre-re-opening days for members. 

The zoo's re-opening day was about a week and a half ago.  I was skeptical about them because at one point they were going to require temperature checks for entry (which they dropped), and one way traffic through the zoo.  They're also not issuing member cards anymore, and when you reserve your time slot on their website it says, "Hey, download our app or print this ticket out, we aren't issuing member cards anymore."  From an accessibility perspective, this isn't great (and the fact that it currently *requires* the Internet to get tickets when all the libraries are still closed is probably a barrier to a certain percentage of people), and me pulling a membership card out of my wallet to hold and scan doesn't strike me as less "clean" than me holding up my grimy phone to be scanned, but I suppose it's a cost cutting measure. 

The one way traffic isn't all that necessary, considering their visitor numbers, and it's a little bit annoying, but they did one thing very, very right- every single confusing location on the one-way has a staff member posted to help you out.  The other thing is, I don't know what they're paying their staff, and maybe it was just because a fair amount of the zoo staff have been working anyway without visitors, but they were all so, so happy to see us. I showed up after noon and the people at the ticket desk, the people posted through the zoo, the people working with animals, the staff doing food service- they were happy to talk and help and seemed knowledgeable.  You heard people actively giving the exact same answers across the zoo.  I assumed maybe they knew we were all members and were told to be on their best behaviour, but I don't know how you also inject that kind of enthusiasm. 

The other thing they did really well, they have all kinds of stuff you can touch, and it's all available for you to touch, but they've got signs posted that remind you to THINK about whether you want to touch something: friendly looking "high touch zone," stickers right next to things like the molds of horns and the piece of the hippo's ball.  And then you can see the hand sanitizer from where you're standing. 

The only thing they weren't clear about was that they have a 15 minute window *before* your entry time when you can enter.  I assumed it was 15 minutes after and so got there slightly after time, but they let me in anyway and didn't say a word.  I didn't notice until I looked after that it showed a second ticket purchase made that day.  Which was the right way to do it, apart from maybe they should've said, but, eh, 4 minutes, they probably didn't realise I knew I was after time.  There's also a few things that look uncertain because attendance is low enough you can't watch other people do it first, but the availability of the staff makes up for it.  If they can keep that up through the summer, especially as they have to be dealing with assholes, that'll be pretty remarkable. 

The science museum also isn't issuing cards to members, which I took note of because of the zoo.  Their member day was today.  They also have timed entry, and talk about wiping things down on their website.  Beyond that, they mention that there's a 20 minute entry window.  Having learned my lesson from the zoo, I showed up ten minutes early.  Nope.  Their entry time begins at listed time.  They have a lot of staff and volunteers standing around outside and inside, but it's difficult to tell who is in charge and what their role is.  I hadn't noticed this before, and I normally really, really dislike the expectation that staff be uniformed, but I think the zoo staff sort of prepared me for, I dunno, validation?  I was looking for confirmation that I was behaving correctly, and I wasn't getting that feedback here. 

Got in just fine, and decided to eat there.  They've got a reduced menu and shuttle you all the way to the back restaurant to get it.  I discovered after I was in line that the wall does have QR codes to scan for the menu, and since the line wasn't long, I could have probably tapped out if I'd needed to, but I wish I'd been able to see what was available *before* I was in line.  If that's the typical capacity under the new attendance guidelines, though, that's still not bad, because I heard they'd sold out for the day.  BUT, the guy running the cafe cash register asks me for my member card.  Now, I am contrasting directly with the zoo, where I asked if they needed to see something and the girl told me, "No, everybody was a member today."  To this guy, I said, "Oh, I thought you didn't have member cards any more?"  "No, I need the card."  So I'm flipping through my phone going, "Somewhere I have proof of membership," and he finally just swiped me through. That should have been his move immediately after I said I didn't have a card, but, OK.  Whatever.  Mental note to stop and pick up my card before I go. 

I'd wondered how they were going to handle one way traffic, because the museum is a series of galleries that more or less dead end.  They don't, simply.  The dead-ending exhibits have staff outside counting capacity.  They don't have distancing lines here marked, so when there's a wait to enter there are a lot of children standing way too close together, whining, and adults doing fuck-all.  It's a science museum, but hey, spread the rona.  They have signs standing in front of nearly every doorway reminding you to distance and think about what you touch, but they're all the same and not posted near things to touch, so you don't really register as a thing to read or keep in mind in the same way. 

This was probably the least attended the museum has ever been when I was there, and it was immediately apparent that I prefer going on impulse, because it's such a dead museum.  The old-fashioned halls of stuffed animals are actually really cool, but even when there aren't way too many children smushed against the glass, I don't want to do that much *reading.*  The Egyptian exhibit is a very small room and it's usually packed full of kids, so I finally had the time to do a little bit of reading.  I probably only read half of the stuff in that room, and what I read gave me more questions unanswered.  Denver apparently has one of the largest amateur Egyptology clubs in the world, and this exhibit is more or less their work at creating or obtaining restorations.  With two exceptions.  They've got two mummies on loan from a museum in Pueblo.  Those are one of the handful of genuine artifacts in the room, and while I've wondered before where they came from, now I know.  Some dude in Pueblo about 120 years ago bought them on a trip to Egypt.  Both the mummies are in sarcophagi that aren't theirs, which suggests to me super strongly that the dude bought them from some guys who just went around looting tombs.  Is it worthwhile to ask Egypt if Egypt wants them back?  Did they already do this and Egypt said, "Listen, keep them and do research," and that's how they went on loan to Denver?  I don't know, and they don't address the subject. 

But, yeah, room after room of stuff I've seen before, mostly in static displays with a lot of words to read.  How do we fix this? 

The museum has a special exhibit opening with a special member event on Friday.  I reserved tickets, but nowhere did the website prompt me to also reserve general museum entry.  Usually, as a member, this isn't required because you just show up and they let you in and then you worry about the special exhibit once you're on the third floor.  Nothing.  And I thought, "Well, when I pick up my membership card, I'll ask about that."  The volunteers at the welcome desk had no idea, and sent me over to the visitor services staff whooooooo also didn't know.  They collectively asked a manager who did know.  So then I asked about member cards, and was told, nope, it's all the app now.  I said that the guy at the cafe hadn't been told, and I hadn't been advised about the app anywhere in their ticketing process.  I know how ticketing systems work; when you work for a place as big as that museum, you have a robust ticketing system that can absolutely prompt for bundles and send emails with reminders like this.  They just didn't do it.  BUT, they did the right thing and over-admitted me into the day without giving me crap about it, which was probably right, but I feel a little stupid for not assuming that this was going to be the case.  However, I am also bemused that their entire staff felt a little unprepared to re-open.  Guys, it's just members, you should have been reminded on all the major member stuff that morning and in emails going back at least a week. 

The price for both memberships is the same, and once I go five times, they've paid for themselves. I hope the zoo decides to keep their extended evening hours through fall, anyway, and the museum has late night Fridays, so I'm crossing my fingers that I can actually get tickets often enough to make it worth it.  I'm one person, so I'm not who they want showing up and taking all the slots, because I will not buy nearly enough food and souvenirs to be worth the investment, but I will go absolutely fucking crazy if I don't do this occasionally. 

And, ultimately, this entire experience has proven that social distancing really is theatre.  Categorically, if I'm in a public space, there's really nothing actively keeping me from catching the virus if it's present and I come into contact with it.  Sure, they're cleaning surfaces, they're attempting to create systems to maintain distance, but in the end, the work being done is no different than a grocery store because human beings have to do most of the work, and the theatre isn't really setting that home. I shouldn't have little kids running in to me without parents noticing, caring, or saying something to their kid.  But in both environments, I could be standing 12 feet away from anyone and suddenly there's a kid running in to me.  There's more than enough room for all of us, but somehow you didn't think you needed to cover all the bases with your 8 year old.  (If it was kids who can barely walk who are trying out running, I'd think of that differently, but that age group seems to be universally contained in strollers, probably because they can't wear masks.) 

It's a reminder that, really, if I didn't actually get the rona back in February (the lingering cough until May and how genuinely awful I felt for nearly a month make me wonder), it's really only a matter of time before I get it unless I'm OK with going batshiat crazy or if I can somehow generate friends that exist beyond a screen and I don't even know what that would look like. 

#Winning

I'm angry and hurt and I have no idea how to fix it.  This is the beginning of the third week of whatever this ball of shit is.  I can't do anything to get my mind off it. I read for about an hour earlier this... month, I guess, because I couldn't begin to speculate whether it was days or weeks ago, which I haven't been able to do in months, but I haven't been able to repeat that. 

Reasonably sure I won't be hearing from the email guy again, as I typically hear within 48 hours and, nah.  You know, I really love Taco Bell. I would never feel badly if someone said to me, "I will never eat Taco Bell with you."  I'd be like, awesome, more Taco Bell for me.  Same if someone didn't want to see theatre with me, actually, like, fine, I'm gonna go do that and you do... whatever it is you do. 

I'm sort of convinced that my ex-husband would still take me back, and that's the part that hurts the worst, that maybe that's the only kind of person I'm good enough for. 

Newest ex, I'd forgotten, used to get mad when he'd talk about the people who broke up with him for being diabetic.  I presume they didn't wait two years and move in with him first. 

I'm angry that he went on and on about how he was going to be single for at least a year, and now he's got a girlfriend who essentially lives with him rent-free, and will probably be moving in soon.  I wonder if I'd made the kind of money she does (his ex-wife was on a similar rate of pay) if the relationship would have lasted longer. 

That may be unkind, it may be untrue, I don't actually know or really care.  I'd kind of like all this bullshit to go away.  I would much rather do anything else than feel this shitty every single day, but I don't know how.  There's one thing that works artificially, and I appreciate that respite, though I presume it can't really be at all healthy for me. 

The Internet, where I usually go, is full of people who probably do legitimately hurt more than I do, but I have really, really ceased to care.  You think your life matters?  Guess what?  Somehow I'm apparently sitting on third base because I have a job and a college education and can barely afford to live in a major city, and so help me if that's just because I'm white?  Fuck this entire system. 

I'm tired of having to feel grateful for a shit deal, and the places I go for happiness are full of people mostly richer and whiter and better off than I am telling me that I am the problem.  Thanks, white people. 

Again, I don't even know whether this is actually true, but it's where I am at the moment. 

Waiting

I couldn't find a good way to transition from a chatty, friendly email about this dude having brunch with friends, talking about his love for sushi, and his plans to go visit his family later (seriously, that was the email) to, "Hey, so, um, for all of those reasons, my dude, run."  So instead I just responded very honestly to what he was saying with my perspective on the same topics, "Hey, I have no friends who aren't on a screen, I don't eat anything, and I saw my family two years ago because I couldn't think of any way to avoid it.  I wouldn't put it against you if you peaced out now." 

I passively want to die. Seventh day in a row, now. This is a new record. And it's passive, because I don't have a plan and I still hate pain enough that I have no interest in self-inflicted pain, but if somebody was like, "Hey, tap this button and you fall into a dreamless sleep and never wake up," I'd mash that fucker like a Kindergartner playing Mortal Kombat.  (Google tells me that I am more familiar with Street Fighter II, and I was in second grade when it came out, but, whatever.) 

I could disappear for a few days, but I worry about maybe not coming back?  And the fact that even if I decided to invest in 5 days of running away, I could've bought a bed frame or probably contacts with that money, and so do I really have it to waste?  And also, I probably shouldn't go anywhere until they either continue the additional unemployment money beyond the end of July, or promise to send a second stimulus, because I have no guarantees when I go back to work, and I still know that with the money I have right now, and the most money I can earn for the rest of the year, I'll break even on my budget.  But I'm also afraid I'm going to have to go back to work at the end of July and what if I waste my chance? 

I'm too afraid of the prospect of surviving that I'm scared to live.  What the actual fuck am I doing? 

I'm fully converted to a reverse sleep schedule.  Went to bed at nearly 7am, woke up at 5 and physically couldn't sleep anymore.  Now it's about 10:30 and I want a nap. 

I'm actively pissing off my friend, because I've got way too much dislocated anger and nowhere to put it.  I pissed off my ex on Tuesday because he decided that he's not going to listen to my bullshit anymore.  So, whatever, fine.  I hate the pandemic because any time I didn't want to do any social things, I could just lie and invent some OTHER social obligation and then do nothing, so I've been playing D&D the last two weeks wishing I wasn't.  Which is STUPID, because at the same time, I recognise one of my problems is that I think everybody hates me, and possibly I'm way too isolated for my own good, so maybe I should do this thing that in theory I like and disproves the other two?  But, it's been difficult, because I just as badly actually think I do just want everyone to go away and let me die.  Given access to the Mortal Kombat button of non-existence that doesn't exist. 

I should eat something, but food is too hard. 

I feel like I'm waiting for something.  I don't know what, there's literally nothing good on the horizon that I can see, or give a fuck about.